20 interesting quirks you probably didn’t notice about the 2015 NFL schedule

Goodell Smirk
Roger & Co. love hiding these quaint ‘Easter Eggs’ in every year’s NFL schedule

1. The 2015 regular season schedule is 17 weeks long, which happens to be same length as the 2014 regular season schedule, along with that of 2012, 1989, and 2013.

2. In a brazen show of its disdain of the New England Patriots, the NFL gave the defending champions the dreaded Week 4 bye.

3. The New York Jets have no winnable games on their schedule.

4. Unable to mask their obvious preference towards the Patriots, the defending champions have the pleasure of playing the Steelers Week 1 while Le’Veon Bell is still suspended.

5. By Week 8, too many teams will have moved to Los Angeles, resulting in a mass-exodus back to their respective cities.

6. A preview of the 2027 Super Bowl between two future juggernauts, the Titans and the Panthers, is cleverly hidden in Week 10.

7. Every team’s bye week falls on the first Sunday after one of their players is going to be arrested for committing a crime.

8. Although his Bills are scheduled to play 16 games this season, Rex Ryan only plans on game-planning for 4 of them. (Can you guess which ones??)

9.  The Jaguars will not be permitted to leave the UK following their Week 7 London game.

10. Despite what schedulemakers would have you believe, Tom Brady and Peyton Manning are fucking sick of playing each other.

11. The Ravens play the Bengals for two straight months from Week 2 through Week 9, and then again in Week 14.

12. Aaron Rodgers will play the Chiefs in Lambeau in Week 3, the same week he is scheduled to win the 2015 MVP award.

13. Once again, the Bills received no prime-time games at home in Ralph Wilson Stadium because of the illuminati.

14. Contrary to popular opinion, the Minnesota Vikings have a schedule.

15. With the Giants tied for the most prime-time games in the league, Eli Manning will get to stay up past 10 PM on a school night a whopping 5 times.

16. The Eagles play the Buccaneers in Week 11 (this may not end up being quirky, but better safe than sorry).

17. Due to a scheduling conflict with their stadium-mates, the Oakland Raiders will be forced to play baseball for 5 innings against the Seattle Mariners on Wednesday, September 16th.

18. All 256 regular season NFL games are just a distraction from the irreversible melting of the polar ice caps.

19. The Redskins team name will get exponentially more offensive with every passing week, ’til Week 12, when it will become funny for some reason.

20. Nobody plays the Rams.

‘Skins Refuse to Believe New York Giants are in NFC Championship Game

“What?! That team is shit!” cried a very anonymous, very black outside linebacker for the Washington Redskins after witnessing  the New York Giants make the NFC Championship game. “They couldn’t block, couldn’t catch couldn’t run and sure as hell could not pass,” he continued, “that should be us in the NFC Championship game.” And in his defense, the team just one win away from the Superbowl looked entirely overmatched against the Skins this season.

“The Redskins?” scoffed the consistently-vocal Brandon Jacobs. “You fucking kidding me?” he added, staring off into the distance with a look of trepidation. “Man, I’m not gonna front, that’s the greatest team ever.”

With a game against the fearsome 49ers looming this Sunday one would expect the Giants to brush off any commentary from the 5-11 Redskins. However, after looking especially inept in both games against the Skins during the 2011 campaign, and for the better part of the decade for that matter, the Giants locker room seemed to agree with Jacobs’ sentiment.

Victor Cruz, the Giants’ breakout wide receiver who has averaged 145 yards per catch this season, expressed his relief that they were to face the Niners in the Championship game as opposed to the Redskins. “With those guys, sometimes it seems like there are, like, eleven defensive players on the other side of the ball. Their scheme is impenetrable. Bring on the Niners.”

The Redskins’ 2-0 record against the Giants and 3-11 record against the rest of the league is an anomaly of sorts. Their quarterback is Rex Grossman, their once-talented receiving corps plagued is with age, their defense is unremarkable and their running back is unidentifiable. However, as one Giants player put it, “their quarterback is Rex Grossman, their receiving corps has both the talent of youth and the wisdom of age, their defense is so unremarkable we end up throwing it right to them, and we don’t know who their running back is until he’s celebrating in the end zone. It’s fuckin’ unstoppable.”

With the Giants playing football well into January the Redskins are left wondering how the team they handled oh so handily this season has come so far, leaving them once again in the dust. “That should be us in the NFC Championship game,” lamented an indignant Rex Grossman. When asked if the Skins could have held the Falcons to a hilarious 2 points in the NFC Wild Card game, Grossman conceded they could not. When asked if the Skins could have beaten the Packers in Lambeau, Grossman conceded they could not. However, when asked if they could beat the surging Giants in a primetime game with Superbowl implications, Grossman said “I’d probably throw for 420 yards, 4 touchdowns, force a fumble somehow and we’d beat them by 20 points.”

“He’s right,” conceded Eli Manning. “All I can say is good thing the Redskins suck.”

NFL Week 11 Power Rankings

America’s Man-Crush on Aaron Rodgers reaches “full and throbbing” status, the Pats shut the Jets up, the Bears smack up the Lions, and my fantasy team loses to Michael Bush. All this and more reflected in the Week 11 Power Rankings.

EDIT: Clearly the Colts are not 2-6, but 0-10. Winless. Yet to win. However, we’re not going to go back into the table and make the change. Not in this economy. We need to be looking to the future in these trying times. That is all. 0-10.

Want to compare WOP’s rankings to that of other certified, highly trained expert rankers?

ESPN

Yahoo!

Bleacher Report


Week 10 NFL Power Rankings

The Packers still at #1, the Pats falling, Philly Phillying, New York rising and everybody continuing to overlook the Niners because it’s funnier that way. All this, a prediction for next Monday night, and our play of the week: Patrick Peterson’s Walk-Off Punt Return in OT, in WOP’s Week 10 NFL Power Rankings.

Feeling some mid-season NFL fatigue? Click here for a riveting breakdown of the NBA lockout.

Week 9 NFL Power Rankings

Why are these NFL Power Rankings more powerful than most Power Rankings? Because they’re equally smart and about three times as funny. Why has it been 6 weeks since Walk Off Punt’s last power rankings? Because life happens, that’s why. So with a month and a half between WOP’s take on the strength of all 32 teams, you can plainly see that some teams have defied all expectations (49ers, the Fightin’ KC Chiefs,) while others have spit on their God-Given talent, disappointed once-hopeful fans, and underperformed greatly (The Cowboys.) Enjoy.

1 (1) Well, they almost lost to Ponder and the Vikes, but then they didn’t, and then they got a week off. At 7-0 expect the Packers to continue to look to score more points than their opponents. (7-0)

 


2 (8) We knew their defense was better than New England’s, but it was the offense who gets the credit for retaining possession and putting up the points to win this past Sunday against the Pats. The only question that remains is- is anybody ever going to root for Ben Roethlisberger again? (6-2)


3 (20) The Niners have introduced the concept of winning to the NFC West, and, even better for them, it hasn’t even caught on yet! (6-1)

 


4 (2) Nothing ensures that the Pats are going to put together another win streak more so than an embarrassing loss– and the 8-point loss in Pittsburgh wasn’t even that embarrassing, but you can be sure it pissed New England off. (5-2)


5 (4) At one point this past Sunday the defensive line of the Lions almost swallowed Tim Tebow whole, decided to jump on the trend of “Tebowing,” and then made way for the offense to put up 45 points on the road. This team is just mean. (6-2)


6 (6) The defense is nasty, Flacco has been terrible, Ray Rice is inconsistent, and they pulled off the biggest comeback in team history this past Sunday against the lowly Cardinals at home… so, uh… #6? (5-2)

 


7 (5) Rex Ryan summed up the challenge of facing Buffalo very succinctly the other day: “Fred Jackson is a monster.” (5-2)

 


8 (3) Whoa! Do the Saints have some real reasons to worry or were they just victims of the runoff of the St. Louis Cardinals’ magic? (5-3)

 


9 (15) The good news, they’re undefeated in the division. The bad news, the division includes the Colts (0-8), Jaguars (2-6,) and Titans (4-3). (5-3)

 


10 (9) Ask any Giant fan and they don’t feel like they should be 5-2. That being said, they’re about to play New England, San Francisco, Philadelphia, New Orleans, and Green Bay. (5-2) Lol.


11 (19)With the running game going and the defense playing up to potential, they’ve definitely turned things around since a very poor start. Now all they need is Matt Ryan to start playing better (cough cough fantasy QB cough cough.) (4-3)


12 (7) J-E-T-S ABOVE .500! They’ve probably been the best 2nd half team in the past 2 seasons of football, but you know what they say, the 2nd half is only fifty percent of the game. (4-3)

 


13 (26) In the early-season power rankings I said that even at (1-2,) to never trust a team with a ginger quarterback. Four wins later, everybody is starting to feel real uneasy about this “feel good story.” (5-2)

 


14 (18) Well, Jay Cutler is still alive, but I think he has Matt Forte to thank for that as opposed to the O-line. (4-3)

 


15 (12) This team is the best winning team that is good at losing. Think about it. (4-3)

 


16 (13) The Eagles’ ticket to the playoffs is winning the NFC East, and with the way that division is bunched up, coupled with the Giants’ brutal upcoming schedule, that gives them a decent shot. Unless of course people start unfairly sacking Mike Vick again. (3-4)


17 (11) Oakland’s swagger took a huge hit with Campbell and McFadden’s injuries. However, they’ve got their beastly running back returning to the lineup and Palmer has had the bye week to figure things out. (4-3)

 


18 (32) This team started 0-3 and lost their biggest offensive threat in Jamaal Charles. They shall henceforth be referred to as the “Fightin’ Kansas City Chiefs.” (4-3)

 


19 (14) First Freeman was bad, then Blount was injured, but then Graham was good, and Freeman got better, but then Graham got injured, though luckily Blount is back. That’s how I feel about the Bucs. (4-3)

 


20 (17) Chris Johnson looks like an asshole right now. (4-3)

 


21 (10) Like the Eagles, this team could still very well win the NFC East despite their sub-.500 record. They just need to be more consistent, find a way to get just one more strike on the St. Louis Cardinals, and the championship is theirs. (3-4)


22 (25) The Vikes, though 2-6, have had a chance to win nearly every game they’ve played this season. Christian Ponder is playing above all expectations, Adrian Peterson leads the league in rushing, and Jared Allen leads the league in sacks. This team might spoil your team’s chance at the playoffs come the later weeks. (2-6)


23 (21) Similar to the Vikings in the fact that their record does not reflect how dangerous they can be any given week. Cam Newton to Steve Smith, Cam Newton to Greg Olsen, Cam Newton to hurdle your entire defense whilst scrambling. (2-6)


24 (16) Skins fans are currently in the stage of their season where they’re sharing photos and memories from weeks 1-4 with loved ones, remembering the good times fondly, and planning for next year’s glory. (3-4)

 


25 (22)  The Jinx is in full force this year. (3-4)

 


26 (24) It’s always nice when a bad team gets their own personal Super Bowl during some mid-season primetime game. They made the Ravens look so bad on Monday Night Football that they in turn looked bad. Unbelievable, I know. (2-6)


27 (30) Whatever that was this past Sunday, it was awesome. If this happens again this I’ll launch the Rams into the top 5. (1-6)

 


28 (27) Even Tarvaris Jackson is regretting purchasing a Seattle Seahawks Tarvaris Jackson jersey this past off-season. (2-5)

 


29 (23) “Could very well be 1-4 after playing Green Bay and San Diego the next 2 weeks, which will lead to chants for Tim Tebow at Mile High, which will continue to get them nowhere” — Mel Rankenface, Week 3. (2-5)

 


30 (28) Does it sound nicer to say they’re tied for 3rd in their division? (1-6)

 


31 (29) (0-7) I still believe this team will win a game or two, they just need to play better. I could also give better analysis, I just need to care more.

 


32 (31) (0-8) This Curtis Painter fellow is a real character!