Wow, some pretty intriguing stuff. What a find!
Are you sick of hearing about how Tim Tebow is the second coming? Are you dumbfounded by the emergence of a Tim Tebow versus Aaron Rodgers debate? We bet you are. Now imagine that you are 2-9, purple, and are welcoming Tim Tebow to the place you call home this Sunday, Minnesota.
It is under these desperate conditions that a radical, sordid gameplan has been born to stop Tim Tebow. Beginning as a rumor at the onset of the week but confirmed just hours ago, the Minnesota Vikings are in fact attempting to kill God himself in order to cut off his lifeline to the First Holy Son of Football.
The rumors began when an assistant coach got caught a glimpse of a defensive play with which he was unfamiliar. Finding it entirely unsettling he anonymously leaked details of the play to the public. The scheme looks something like this:One should note the unorthodox formation of this defensive scheme, which leaves just one defensive lineman at the line of scrimmage (presumably Jared Allen,) and spreads the rest of the personnel out as if disinterested in the Denver Broncos. However, much more shocking than the scheme’s inevitable inability to stop the run is it’s semblance to the satanic symbol of the pentagram:
Here we can see that the Vikings are only leaving two men in to spy on quarterback Tim Tebow, while the other nine sprint backwards/upwards to take down God. The plan is as genius as it is diabolical. While a flurry of teams have come out looking the fool chasing Tebow around in the fourth quarter, the Minnesota Vikings, who have been struggling against God since their inception in the league, understand that you can not bring down a man with The Grace of God on his side. Instead, in what could prove to be the ultimate prevent defense, they will try to take down the source of his divine power.
Though the Vikings’ lack of coherence on defense and below-par tackling skills would cause one to believe that God could handle himself against such an offensive, it should be noted that he will be preoccupied with guiding his one and only true son to the endzone for six, not guarding himself against a gang tackle. Lastly, in Genesis 48:8 it is stated:
And said unto me, behold, tho all-mighty and everlasting, that which He can hardly endureth is a gang tackle.
It appears God better keep his head on a swivel this Sunday.
Why are these NFL Power Rankings more powerful than most Power Rankings? Because they’re equally smart and about three times as funny. Why has it been 6 weeks since Walk Off Punt’s last power rankings? Because life happens, that’s why. So with a month and a half between WOP’s take on the strength of all 32 teams, you can plainly see that some teams have defied all expectations (49ers, the Fightin’ KC Chiefs,) while others have spit on their God-Given talent, disappointed once-hopeful fans, and underperformed greatly (The Cowboys.) Enjoy.
1 (1) Well, they almost lost to Ponder and the Vikes, but then they didn’t, and then they got a week off. At 7-0 expect the Packers to continue to look to score more points than their opponents. (7-0)
2 (8) We knew their defense was better than New England’s, but it was the offense who gets the credit for retaining possession and putting up the points to win this past Sunday against the Pats. The only question that remains is- is anybody ever going to root for Ben Roethlisberger again? (6-2)
3 (20) The Niners have introduced the concept of winning to the NFC West, and, even better for them, it hasn’t even caught on yet! (6-1)
4 (2) Nothing ensures that the Pats are going to put together another win streak more so than an embarrassing loss– and the 8-point loss in Pittsburgh wasn’t even that embarrassing, but you can be sure it pissed New England off. (5-2)
5 (4) At one point this past Sunday the defensive line of the Lions almost swallowed Tim Tebow whole, decided to jump on the trend of “Tebowing,” and then made way for the offense to put up 45 points on the road. This team is just mean. (6-2)
6 (6) The defense is nasty, Flacco has been terrible, Ray Rice is inconsistent, and they pulled off the biggest comeback in team history this past Sunday against the lowly Cardinals at home… so, uh… #6? (5-2)
7 (5) Rex Ryan summed up the challenge of facing Buffalo very succinctly the other day: “Fred Jackson is a monster.” (5-2)
8 (3) Whoa! Do the Saints have some real reasons to worry or were they just victims of the runoff of the St. Louis Cardinals’ magic? (5-3)
9 (15) The good news, they’re undefeated in the division. The bad news, the division includes the Colts (0-8), Jaguars (2-6,) and Titans (4-3). (5-3)
10 (9) Ask any Giant fan and they don’t feel like they should be 5-2. That being said, they’re about to play New England, San Francisco, Philadelphia, New Orleans, and Green Bay. (5-2) Lol.
11 (19)With the running game going and the defense playing up to potential, they’ve definitely turned things around since a very poor start. Now all they need is Matt Ryan to start playing better (cough cough fantasy QB cough cough.) (4-3)
12 (7) J-E-T-S ABOVE .500! They’ve probably been the best 2nd half team in the past 2 seasons of football, but you know what they say, the 2nd half is only fifty percent of the game. (4-3)
13 (26) In the early-season power rankings I said that even at (1-2,) to never trust a team with a ginger quarterback. Four wins later, everybody is starting to feel real uneasy about this “feel good story.” (5-2)
14 (18) Well, Jay Cutler is still alive, but I think he has Matt Forte to thank for that as opposed to the O-line. (4-3)
15 (12) This team is the best winning team that is good at losing. Think about it. (4-3)
16 (13) The Eagles’ ticket to the playoffs is winning the NFC East, and with the way that division is bunched up, coupled with the Giants’ brutal upcoming schedule, that gives them a decent shot. Unless of course people start unfairly sacking Mike Vick again. (3-4)
17 (11) Oakland’s swagger took a huge hit with Campbell and McFadden’s injuries. However, they’ve got their beastly running back returning to the lineup and Palmer has had the bye week to figure things out. (4-3)
18 (32) This team started 0-3 and lost their biggest offensive threat in Jamaal Charles. They shall henceforth be referred to as the “Fightin’ Kansas City Chiefs.” (4-3)
19 (14) First Freeman was bad, then Blount was injured, but then Graham was good, and Freeman got better, but then Graham got injured, though luckily Blount is back. That’s how I feel about the Bucs. (4-3)
20 (17) Chris Johnson looks like an asshole right now. (4-3)
21 (10) Like the Eagles, this team could still very well win the NFC East despite their sub-.500 record. They just need to be more consistent, find a way to get just one more strike on the St. Louis Cardinals, and the championship is theirs. (3-4)
22 (25) The Vikes, though 2-6, have had a chance to win nearly every game they’ve played this season. Christian Ponder is playing above all expectations, Adrian Peterson leads the league in rushing, and Jared Allen leads the league in sacks. This team might spoil your team’s chance at the playoffs come the later weeks. (2-6)
23 (21) Similar to the Vikings in the fact that their record does not reflect how dangerous they can be any given week. Cam Newton to Steve Smith, Cam Newton to Greg Olsen, Cam Newton to hurdle your entire defense whilst scrambling. (2-6)
24 (16) Skins fans are currently in the stage of their season where they’re sharing photos and memories from weeks 1-4 with loved ones, remembering the good times fondly, and planning for next year’s glory. (3-4)
25 (22) The Jinx is in full force this year. (3-4)
26 (24) It’s always nice when a bad team gets their own personal Super Bowl during some mid-season primetime game. They made the Ravens look so bad on Monday Night Football that they in turn looked bad. Unbelievable, I know. (2-6)
27 (30) Whatever that was this past Sunday, it was awesome. If this happens again this I’ll launch the Rams into the top 5. (1-6)
28 (27) Even Tarvaris Jackson is regretting purchasing a Seattle Seahawks Tarvaris Jackson jersey this past off-season. (2-5)
29 (23) “Could very well be 1-4 after playing Green Bay and San Diego the next 2 weeks, which will lead to chants for Tim Tebow at Mile High, which will continue to get them nowhere” — Mel Rankenface, Week 3. (2-5)
30 (28) Does it sound nicer to say they’re tied for 3rd in their division? (1-6)
31 (29) (0-7) I still believe this team will win a game or two, they just need to play better. I could also give better analysis, I just need to care more.
32 (31) (0-8) This Curtis Painter fellow is a real character!