Wow! Brady is suspended for the first 4 games of the 2016 season, and the Patriots lose their 2016 1st-round draft pick and their 2017 4th-rounder. No one saw that coming. Naturally, the NFL had a slew of other punishments ready to go, all dependent on the public’s reaction to the Wells Report. Such punishments included:
1. Tom Brady must return his Super Bowl XLIX DVD. He will continue to receive his year’s subscription of Sports Illustrated, however.
2. No suspension, no fines, no loss of draft pick, but every Patriot must hand in a book report on the Wells Report by Friday.
3. Tom Brady is thrown in prison.
4. From now on, the Patriots’ mascot will be AC Slater from Saved by the Bell. AC Slater’s face as their logo. AC Slater’s face on their helmets and in the endzone. AC Slater gets to be their long snapper.
5. The Red Sox are canceled indefinitely. Do you see what happens when you cheat, Patriots? You don’t just hurt yourselves, you hurt everybody around you.
6. Rob Gronkowski has to be friends with Roger Goodell and he has to mean it.
7. From now on, tricking lesser teams into trading you all their draft picks is NOT ALLOWED. Not even the Browns.
8. Rex Ryan gets to read your playbook and your 1 million dollar fine goes directly to him.
9. No punishment, but we just need you to know how very disappointed we are in you.
10. From now on, Gillette Stadium can only play music by Gloria Estefan.
11. Patriots and Seahawks will replay the 2nd and goal from Super Bowl XLIX. It’s on you now, Carroll.
13. During the month of October, when everybody else is wearing pink for Breast Cancer Awareness, the Patriots will don black, indicating the true color of their souls.
14. Also, Gloria Estefan performs at all your halftimes.