Other Deflategate punishments considered for Tom Brady and the Patriots

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Wow! Brady is suspended for the first 4 games of the 2016 season, and the Patriots lose their 2016 1st-round draft pick and their 2017 4th-rounder. No one saw that coming. Naturally, the NFL had a slew of other punishments ready to go, all dependent on the public’s reaction to the Wells Report. Such punishments included:

1. Tom Brady must return his Super Bowl XLIX DVD. He will continue to receive his year’s subscription of Sports Illustrated, however.

2. No suspension, no fines, no loss of draft pick, but every Patriot must hand in a book report on the Wells Report by Friday.

3. Tom Brady is thrown in prison.

4. From now on, the Patriots’ mascot will be AC Slater from Saved by the Bell. AC Slater’s face as their logo. AC Slater’s face on their helmets and in the endzone. AC Slater gets to be their long snapper.

5. The Red Sox are canceled indefinitely. Do you see what happens when you cheat, Patriots? You don’t just hurt yourselves, you hurt everybody around you.

6. Rob Gronkowski has to be friends with Roger Goodell and he has to mean it.

7. From now on, tricking lesser teams into trading you all their draft picks is NOT ALLOWED. Not even the Browns.

8. Rex Ryan gets to read your playbook and your 1 million dollar fine goes directly to him.

9. No punishment, but we just need you to know how very disappointed we are in you.

10. From now on, Gillette Stadium can only play music by Gloria Estefan.

11. Patriots and Seahawks will replay the 2nd and goal from Super Bowl XLIX. It’s on you now, Carroll.

13. During the month of October, when everybody else is wearing pink for Breast Cancer Awareness, the Patriots will don black, indicating the true color of their souls.

14. Also, Gloria Estefan performs at all your halftimes.

20 interesting quirks you probably didn’t notice about the 2015 NFL schedule

Goodell Smirk
Roger & Co. love hiding these quaint ‘Easter Eggs’ in every year’s NFL schedule

1. The 2015 regular season schedule is 17 weeks long, which happens to be same length as the 2014 regular season schedule, along with that of 2012, 1989, and 2013.

2. In a brazen show of its disdain of the New England Patriots, the NFL gave the defending champions the dreaded Week 4 bye.

3. The New York Jets have no winnable games on their schedule.

4. Unable to mask their obvious preference towards the Patriots, the defending champions have the pleasure of playing the Steelers Week 1 while Le’Veon Bell is still suspended.

5. By Week 8, too many teams will have moved to Los Angeles, resulting in a mass-exodus back to their respective cities.

6. A preview of the 2027 Super Bowl between two future juggernauts, the Titans and the Panthers, is cleverly hidden in Week 10.

7. Every team’s bye week falls on the first Sunday after one of their players is going to be arrested for committing a crime.

8. Although his Bills are scheduled to play 16 games this season, Rex Ryan only plans on game-planning for 4 of them. (Can you guess which ones??)

9.  The Jaguars will not be permitted to leave the UK following their Week 7 London game.

10. Despite what schedulemakers would have you believe, Tom Brady and Peyton Manning are fucking sick of playing each other.

11. The Ravens play the Bengals for two straight months from Week 2 through Week 9, and then again in Week 14.

12. Aaron Rodgers will play the Chiefs in Lambeau in Week 3, the same week he is scheduled to win the 2015 MVP award.

13. Once again, the Bills received no prime-time games at home in Ralph Wilson Stadium because of the illuminati.

14. Contrary to popular opinion, the Minnesota Vikings have a schedule.

15. With the Giants tied for the most prime-time games in the league, Eli Manning will get to stay up past 10 PM on a school night a whopping 5 times.

16. The Eagles play the Buccaneers in Week 11 (this may not end up being quirky, but better safe than sorry).

17. Due to a scheduling conflict with their stadium-mates, the Oakland Raiders will be forced to play baseball for 5 innings against the Seattle Mariners on Wednesday, September 16th.

18. All 256 regular season NFL games are just a distraction from the irreversible melting of the polar ice caps.

19. The Redskins team name will get exponentially more offensive with every passing week, ’til Week 12, when it will become funny for some reason.

20. Nobody plays the Rams.

Carolina Panthers Mysteriously Wake Up in LA: NFL Blames Irene

Julius Peppers, no longer a Panther, unsure of why he ended up in LA as well

On Sunday morning the Carolina Panthers, recently voted the favorite black and teal Carolina-based professional sports team by a local Kindergarten class, woke up expecting to find themselves facing the same challenges as their neighbors following Hurricane Irene– instead they found themselves in sunny Los Angeles, California.

Their houses had been entirely uprooted and haphazardly distributed throughout the Hollywood Hills. Understandably confused, the Panthers tried to recreate the previous night’s events in order to figure out how they woke up 3000 miles away from home.

“Well, I brought my patio furniture inside, secured my windows, locked the doors and went to sleep,” recounts wide receiver Steve Smith. “There’s gotta be something I’m missing…” he added, visibly perplexed.

The organization began to ask around, desperately in search of clues. Combing their new neighborhood for an explanation they left empty handed, except for Jimmy Claussen who got his picture taken with Topher Grace and Cam Newton who met a local entrepreneur and scored an unbelievable deal on used studio equipment.

At a complete loss for answers, and unable to comprehend why flights back to North Carolina are booked for the next 3 years, head coach Ron Rivera turned to the NFL for assistance. “Hurricane Irene did it,” Roger Goodell stated with an off-putting amount of confidence. “Hurricane Irene blew the Carolina Panthers to Los Angeles.”

According to NFL’s official meteorologist, Roger Goodell’s cousin, “North Carolina experienced sustained winds of up to 110 MPH on Saturday night, which are more than strong enough to relocate a franchise that had only 2 wins in the 2010 season.”

This explanation received mixed reactions from the players and coaches. “The storm blew our entire team and staff across the country, I get that, it happens” mused lineback Jon Beason, “but what I don’t understand is who sewed these LA emblems on to our uniforms?

The Los Angeles Panthers will assume the Raiders’ position in the AFC West, who reportedly fell into the Earth’s mantle following a recent earthquake.