Week 9 NFL Power Rankings

Why are these NFL Power Rankings more powerful than most Power Rankings? Because they’re equally smart and about three times as funny. Why has it been 6 weeks since Walk Off Punt’s last power rankings? Because life happens, that’s why. So with a month and a half between WOP’s take on the strength of all 32 teams, you can plainly see that some teams have defied all expectations (49ers, the Fightin’ KC Chiefs,) while others have spit on their God-Given talent, disappointed once-hopeful fans, and underperformed greatly (The Cowboys.) Enjoy.

1 (1) Well, they almost lost to Ponder and the Vikes, but then they didn’t, and then they got a week off. At 7-0 expect the Packers to continue to look to score more points than their opponents. (7-0)


2 (8) We knew their defense was better than New England’s, but it was the offense who gets the credit for retaining possession and putting up the points to win this past Sunday against the Pats. The only question that remains is- is anybody ever going to root for Ben Roethlisberger again? (6-2)

3 (20) The Niners have introduced the concept of winning to the NFC West, and, even better for them, it hasn’t even caught on yet! (6-1)


4 (2) Nothing ensures that the Pats are going to put together another win streak more so than an embarrassing loss– and the 8-point loss in Pittsburgh wasn’t even that embarrassing, but you can be sure it pissed New England off. (5-2)

5 (4) At one point this past Sunday the defensive line of the Lions almost swallowed Tim Tebow whole, decided to jump on the trend of “Tebowing,” and then made way for the offense to put up 45 points on the road. This team is just mean. (6-2)

6 (6) The defense is nasty, Flacco has been terrible, Ray Rice is inconsistent, and they pulled off the biggest comeback in team history this past Sunday against the lowly Cardinals at home… so, uh… #6? (5-2)


7 (5) Rex Ryan summed up the challenge of facing Buffalo very succinctly the other day: “Fred Jackson is a monster.” (5-2)


8 (3) Whoa! Do the Saints have some real reasons to worry or were they just victims of the runoff of the St. Louis Cardinals’ magic? (5-3)


9 (15) The good news, they’re undefeated in the division. The bad news, the division includes the Colts (0-8), Jaguars (2-6,) and Titans (4-3). (5-3)


10 (9) Ask any Giant fan and they don’t feel like they should be 5-2. That being said, they’re about to play New England, San Francisco, Philadelphia, New Orleans, and Green Bay. (5-2) Lol.

11 (19)With the running game going and the defense playing up to potential, they’ve definitely turned things around since a very poor start. Now all they need is Matt Ryan to start playing better (cough cough fantasy QB cough cough.) (4-3)

12 (7) J-E-T-S ABOVE .500! They’ve probably been the best 2nd half team in the past 2 seasons of football, but you know what they say, the 2nd half is only fifty percent of the game. (4-3)


13 (26) In the early-season power rankings I said that even at (1-2,) to never trust a team with a ginger quarterback. Four wins later, everybody is starting to feel real uneasy about this “feel good story.” (5-2)


14 (18) Well, Jay Cutler is still alive, but I think he has Matt Forte to thank for that as opposed to the O-line. (4-3)


15 (12) This team is the best winning team that is good at losing. Think about it. (4-3)


16 (13) The Eagles’ ticket to the playoffs is winning the NFC East, and with the way that division is bunched up, coupled with the Giants’ brutal upcoming schedule, that gives them a decent shot. Unless of course people start unfairly sacking Mike Vick again. (3-4)

17 (11) Oakland’s swagger took a huge hit with Campbell and McFadden’s injuries. However, they’ve got their beastly running back returning to the lineup and Palmer has had the bye week to figure things out. (4-3)


18 (32) This team started 0-3 and lost their biggest offensive threat in Jamaal Charles. They shall henceforth be referred to as the “Fightin’ Kansas City Chiefs.” (4-3)


19 (14) First Freeman was bad, then Blount was injured, but then Graham was good, and Freeman got better, but then Graham got injured, though luckily Blount is back. That’s how I feel about the Bucs. (4-3)


20 (17) Chris Johnson looks like an asshole right now. (4-3)


21 (10) Like the Eagles, this team could still very well win the NFC East despite their sub-.500 record. They just need to be more consistent, find a way to get just one more strike on the St. Louis Cardinals, and the championship is theirs. (3-4)

22 (25) The Vikes, though 2-6, have had a chance to win nearly every game they’ve played this season. Christian Ponder is playing above all expectations, Adrian Peterson leads the league in rushing, and Jared Allen leads the league in sacks. This team might spoil your team’s chance at the playoffs come the later weeks. (2-6)

23 (21) Similar to the Vikings in the fact that their record does not reflect how dangerous they can be any given week. Cam Newton to Steve Smith, Cam Newton to Greg Olsen, Cam Newton to hurdle your entire defense whilst scrambling. (2-6)

24 (16) Skins fans are currently in the stage of their season where they’re sharing photos and memories from weeks 1-4 with loved ones, remembering the good times fondly, and planning for next year’s glory. (3-4)


25 (22)  The Jinx is in full force this year. (3-4)


26 (24) It’s always nice when a bad team gets their own personal Super Bowl during some mid-season primetime game. They made the Ravens look so bad on Monday Night Football that they in turn looked bad. Unbelievable, I know. (2-6)

27 (30) Whatever that was this past Sunday, it was awesome. If this happens again this I’ll launch the Rams into the top 5. (1-6)


28 (27) Even Tarvaris Jackson is regretting purchasing a Seattle Seahawks Tarvaris Jackson jersey this past off-season. (2-5)


29 (23) “Could very well be 1-4 after playing Green Bay and San Diego the next 2 weeks, which will lead to chants for Tim Tebow at Mile High, which will continue to get them nowhere” — Mel Rankenface, Week 3. (2-5)


30 (28) Does it sound nicer to say they’re tied for 3rd in their division? (1-6)


31 (29) (0-7) I still believe this team will win a game or two, they just need to play better. I could also give better analysis, I just need to care more.


32 (31) (0-8) This Curtis Painter fellow is a real character!



It’s the Goddamn NFL Week 3 Power Rankings

As we are 17.647% through the NFL season, it is time for our official “At the 17.647%-mark” Power Rankings! If you don’t find the commentary funny enough for your liking, then please go either here or maybe even here. Or just scroll down and look at some of Manny Ramirez’s artwork This here is the NFL power rankings, and we don’t fuck around with that.

(1) No reason to move them from #1 until they drop a game. Ever since the Giants gave them that game in Lambeau back in Week 16 they haven’t lost. (3-0)

(2) It was a wild one in Buffalo, and being that this was an early season loss expect Belichick and Brady to do nothing but learn from this game. (2-1)

(3) They’ve put up a combined 68 points against two good defensive teams in Green Bay and Chicago, and outdueled Houston in a shootout in week 3. (2-1)


(4) Holy shit. (3-0)


(5) Ho-ly shit. Alright, fine, I’ll say more. They handled the Chiefs week 1 as a “top 5” team should, 41-7, beat the Raiders who proved in Week 3 they are a force to be reckoned with, then pulled off the upset of the season thus far by continuing to put up points and creating just enough havoc on defense to take down Brady and the Pats. (3-0)

(6) Baltimore’s 1 loss this season was a result of the defense keying in on Chris Johnson so hard (20 something carries for 50 something yards) that Matt Hasselbeck was able to throw all over them. Other than that, convincing wins against Pittsburgh and St. Louis show that when Flacco is on, (Rice is the given,) the Ravens are deadly. (2-1)

(7) With both their running game (bread) and defense (butter) in question, the Jets are facing two huge games in Baltimore and New England. By Week 6 they could either plummet in the rankings or ascend to early-season greatness. Guaranteed. (2-1)

(8) They almost lost to Indianapolis, gross. So far the only thing the Steelers can hang their hats on this season is that they thoroughly crushed a certain teal-uniformed NFC West team. Week 4 in Houston should give us more to go on with this year’s Steelers. (2-1)

(9) With a very impressive win in Philly the Giants have everybody rethinking this season. Plus, the way the Skins have played thus far makes that Week 1 loss not so embarrassing after all. Now let’s see if the Giants replacements can stay healthy. I’m drawing the line here on injuries this team can sustain. (2-1)

(10) Romo’s lung-wrenching performance in Sunday night’s win could be the foundation for a very strong season, especially with Miles Austin coming back from injury and the team now more confident than ever. Also, good luck keeping DeMarcus Ware away from your quarterback. (2-1)

(11) Darren McFadden is good, the team plays with swagger, and the AFC West is up for grabs. (2-1)


(12) Scratching out a 3-point win against KC wasn’t an encouraging sign. So far the offense and defense haven’t both shown up in the same game, but with the next two weeks against Miami and Denver they have 2 very manageable games to work it out before a week 6 bye. (2-1)

(13) It might take until the 2nd half of the season before they really get their act together, assuming Vick is able to stand by then. If not, they may have to put him down and see if Vince Young can be more reliable because there is too much talent on this team to have a perpetually injured quarterback. (1-2)

(14) Their offense hasn’t played particularly well at all and yet they’re still 2-1. If Freeman and his receivers find their stride this team is moving up. (2-1)

(15) They’ve put up points every single game and thoroughly handled two teams they are “supposed” to beat Indianapolis and Miami, but the defense couldn’t muster a stop against the Saints, giving up 40 points in a game where they had an early lead. (2-1)

(16) I look for this team to compete every Sunday but not necessarily pose a real threat in the long-run. Certainly a step in the right direction for the Skins. (2-1)

(17) The Titans will be a serious contender for a playoff spot if Chris Johnson ever gets going. He has rushed for 98 yards this season. Holdouts officially suck in all directions. Pay your stars ASAP. (2-1)

(18) They crushed the Falcons, then dropped 2 games to the Saints and Packers, making the Bears our highest ranked 1-2 team. They need to get the running game going (Forte has 135 yds on the season) in order keep QB Jay Cutler and his dumb looking face intact. (1-2)

(19) Michael Turner is averaging 5.6 yds a carry, unfortunately Matt Ryan and his receivers are averaging 3.2 WTFs every drive. They’re out of sync. (1-2)

(20) Gunning pretty damn hard for that .500+ record, the Niners are making us all proud thus far. They’ve put up far more points per game (23.2, 12th in the league) than their total yards per game (213.7, 32nd in the league) would seem to yield. Now that’s believing in yourself. (2-1)

(21) Carolineans didn’t think it’d be this fun this fast with Camcam at the helm. (1-2)


(22) They’re getting the job done, just barely, and it’s not pretty. Much like their logo. (2-1)


(23) Could very well be 1-4 after playing Green Bay and San Diego the next 2 weeks, which will lead to chants for Tim Tebow at Mile High, which will continue to get them nowhere (1-2)

(24) Let this season be about Gabbert’s development, try to not overuse MJD, and get ready to compete for the division next season. (1-2)

(25) The Vikings have outscored opponents 54-7 in the 1st half, in turn to be outscored 67-6 in the 2nd. You’d think a team with Adrian Peterson could put one of those games away. (0-3)

(26) Beginning as the worst team in the league the Bengals are slowly creeping up the ranks with a Ginger QB running the show. Do not trust the Bengals. (1-2)

(27) The Saints are ready for their rematch, now. (1-2)


(28) I’ve got $20 on Kolb and the Cards winning the NFC West… (1-2)


(29) They are finally getting production out of Henne but nothing else is falling into place. Football is hard in Miami nowadays. (0-3)

(30) ..luckily my opponent put $20 on the Rams to win the West. The (0-3)


(31) They may have just lost their Super Bowl this past Sunday night against Pittsburgh. Sad times in Indianapolis. (0-3)

(32) Jamaal Charles is out for the season, and apparently, according to Chaarles himself, the 6-yard run that did him in during the 2nd half of the 48-3 loss to the Lions “wasn’t even that worth it.” (0-3)

Mel Rankenface

MLB Mid-Season Power Rankings

1. Philadelphia Phillies – They have fucking Roy Halladay and Cliff Lee.
2. Boston Red Sox Their lineup is the baseball equivalent of this.
3. New York Yankees After losing Phil Hughes to an injury known as “Bad Pitch,” Bartolo Colon stepped up and proved that enough fat can actually insulate you from time itself. Let’s see if the momentum from Jeter’s 3000th and Michael Kay’s new catchphrase “put that one on the left side” can lead to a strong second half.
4. San Francisco Giants Really hoping “Offense” isn’t included in the 2011 postseason as well.
5. Texas Rangers Same as above, but the opposite.
6. Atlanta Braves Will a season’s worth of valiantly defying the Phillies take its toll?
7. Milwaukee Brewers Chances they never have to play away from home in the playoffs? 0%. Chances Bernie the Brewer has been drunk this whole time? 95%
8. Tampa Bay Rays Yankee and Red Sox fans may not look this far down the standings, but there they are, like, consistently the third team down.
9. St. Louis Cardinals Embodied by outfielder Rick Ankiel. Do they pitch? They used to. Do they hit? Sometimes.
10. Detroit Tigers Justin Verlander could very well deprive us of a Boston-New York ALCS, therefore he must be destroyed.
11. Cleveland Indians I still don’t believe in these guys one bit, but I think they’re endearing enough for #11.
12. The California Los Angeles Angels that are from LA but are playing in Anaheim Stuck between trying to get the Rally Monkey to retire gracefully and outbidding Pixar for the purchase of the Dodgers, there’s little time for baseball out here.
13. Arizona Diamondbacks Nobody saw them play a game this season so we’re gonna have to trust their self-reported 49 wins.
14. Pittsburgh Pirates Got a shitty NL team? Hire Clint Hurdle!
15. New York Mets They’ve won more games than they’ve lost, which means the team mantra, “serenity now,” is working.
16. Cincinnati Reds First Johnny Cueto topped his previous high of a 105 MPH fastball and had to get his tattoo changed to say “106”. Then his arm detached on an ensuing pitch and he had to get the whole arm changed altogether.
17. Chicago White Sox Seems like the same guys who won it in ’05 are still really trying to win it in ’11. Somebody should tell them it’s over.
18. Toronto Blue Jays Jose Bautista is really, really good, but the Skydome blows and they have no chance in their division = #18.
19. Washington Nationals The lowest ranked team without a losing record, but just wait a couple of seasons, they’ll be the Rays of the NL East. Better not fuck up against the Phillies!
20. Minnesota Twins Disappointing. They have two stars in Mauer and Morneau who can no longer stay healthy.. Even Liriano’s no hitter sucked.
21. Seattle Mariners With two aces in King Felix and Michael Pineda (nickname TBD) they should be much more competitive in the AL West. Unfortunately, the Richie Sexson signing still isn’t working out to this day.
22. Florida Marlins Ever since Josh Johnson got injured everything sucks and is unfair and stupid.
23. Colorado Yankees Who knew an ace pitcher wouldn’t last in Colorado? RIP Good Ubaldo Jimenez, you’re in fine company.
24. Los Angeles Dodgers For Sale
25. San Diego Padres They may be 12 games under .500, but they play better NL baseball than anybody.
26. Oakland Athletics I don’t think anything good for Oakland has taken place in the Oakland Coliseum in 20 years.
27. Chicago Cubs Well at least teammates aren’t punching each other in the dugout so much anymore.
28. Kansas City Royals You might not believe it but they all claim they’re actually having a lot of fun this season.
29. Baltimore Orioles Their season became an official disappointment when Kevin Gregg missed landing that left hook.
30. Houston Astros Tropicana > Minute Maid. Take your time when you make juice, assholes.