Like the Celtics and the Lakers in the 80s or the Bulls and Jazz in the late 90s, the showdown between these two sides was inevitable. The early headlines, “Hunter-Fisher Rift Comes at Worst Time for Union,” “Heat Owner Fined $500,000 for Tweet,” and “David Stern: the NBA Grinch,” rival the first 3 quarters of any classic NBA game. The suspense is as excruciating as the outcome is important, and as if left without a choice, the eyes of every single fan are locked on to the drama for better or for worse. We are, of course, talking about the 2011 NBA lockout. Meet the starting lineups:
Billy “The Head” Hunter– the executive director of the NBPA , Hunter’s confidence and unwavering confusion has his team standing together, divided. Some say a great leader has the ability to turn vision into reality, and because Hunter envisioned a long, debilitating negotiation that will shorten the NBA season if not cancel it all-together, his greatness will certainly go undebated.
Derek “The Heart” Fisher– the head of the players union and truly the heart of the team, Fisher met accusations of duplicity head on earlier this week head on, calling them defamatory, libelous, and downright deserving of a cockslap. If these negotiations are heading towards a good old fashioned alley-fight, expect Fisher to be the guy standing in front swinging a chain.
Kobe “The Diva” Bryant– when small market teams such as Memphis, Salt Lake City, and Milwaukee lose money on the season, most of it ends up as wallpaper in Kobe Bryant’s guesthouse bathroom. Though unequivocally standing with the players in unity, if this all goes to shit, Kobe’s going to Italy. So, you know, either way.
Dwyane “Don’t Take No Shit” Wade– the bad boy in the starting five, Wade had the gall to stand up to David Stern during an early negotiation between the two sides. His defiant behavior let the owners side know that if they’re gonna take it into the paint, they better go hard.
Baron “The Poet” Davis– a great compliment to “Don’t Take No Shit” Wade, Baron Davis has brought nothing but serenity, good vibes, and a sweet new “urban hipster” look to the table. Negotiations reportedly come to a crawl whenever Davis speaks, as all of his thoughts are accompanied by a bongo, long, silent pauses, and breaks for finger snapping and reflections upon his conclusion.
David “The Grinch” Stern– the commissioner of the NBA and the focal point for any and all frustration one might be feeling as a result of the lockout, Stern has an affinity for understanding the irreparable damage the lockout is doing, yet seems oddly incapable of doing anything about it. He’s like the kid who drew the biggest line in the sand so now it’s everybody else’s responsibility to grow up and give in to his demands.
Peter “The Enforcer” Holt– the owner of the San Antonio Spurs and the main proponent of “bringing the pain” to the players, Holt has expressed frustration with the fact that his small market team doesn’t make money unless they go deep into the playoffs, because every business, regardless of its degree of success, should succeed, right? In his defense, the Knicks franchise profits every season, so one can see why he’s so ready to unleash hellfire and brimstone upon everybody and everything.
Micky “The Leak” Arison– the owner of the Miami Heat, Micky hinted via Twitter that there is division within his side and that certain owners may be keeping a deal from getting done. It seems that Arison is eager to get back to basketball, which is understandable as he could easily get distracted by a neon light or a tanned rollerskater any minute, thus losing all interest in the Heat and sports in general.
Mark “Gag-Order” Cuban– censored, muted, and hidden from sight and earshot, Mark Cuban has been taken out of the equation indefinitely by David Stern, and it’s really a profound shame. If Cuban were at the forefront of this lockout I think we would stop worrying about the rapidly shrinking season and embrace our new favorite reality show (please submit possible show titles).
Evil Derek Fisher– he sweats, bleeds, and strives with all his might to lead the players team to victory– and that’s exactly what he wants you to think when you think of Derek Fisher. Behind closed doors Evil Derek Fisher and David Stern plot the future of the league; every team, every player, and every “blown call,” all the while securing himself a cushy seat beside Stern for the rest of eternity. And if he comes after WOP for libel, that means we’ve made it big. DEREK FISHER IS CONSORTING WITH DAVID STERN.
So stay tuned, we’re not even in the last five minute of the 4th quarter (the only part really worth watching in an NBA game)