Other Deflategate punishments considered for Tom Brady and the Patriots

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Wow! Brady is suspended for the first 4 games of the 2016 season, and the Patriots lose their 2016 1st-round draft pick and their 2017 4th-rounder. No one saw that coming. Naturally, the NFL had a slew of other punishments ready to go, all dependent on the public’s reaction to the Wells Report. Such punishments included:

1. Tom Brady must return his Super Bowl XLIX DVD. He will continue to receive his year’s subscription of Sports Illustrated, however.

2. No suspension, no fines, no loss of draft pick, but every Patriot must hand in a book report on the Wells Report by Friday.

3. Tom Brady is thrown in prison.

4. From now on, the Patriots’ mascot will be AC Slater from Saved by the Bell. AC Slater’s face as their logo. AC Slater’s face on their helmets and in the endzone. AC Slater gets to be their long snapper.

5. The Red Sox are canceled indefinitely. Do you see what happens when you cheat, Patriots? You don’t just hurt yourselves, you hurt everybody around you.

6. Rob Gronkowski has to be friends with Roger Goodell and he has to mean it.

7. From now on, tricking lesser teams into trading you all their draft picks is NOT ALLOWED. Not even the Browns.

8. Rex Ryan gets to read your playbook and your 1 million dollar fine goes directly to him.

9. No punishment, but we just need you to know how very disappointed we are in you.

10. From now on, Gillette Stadium can only play music by Gloria Estefan.

11. Patriots and Seahawks will replay the 2nd and goal from Super Bowl XLIX. It’s on you now, Carroll.

13. During the month of October, when everybody else is wearing pink for Breast Cancer Awareness, the Patriots will don black, indicating the true color of their souls.

14. Also, Gloria Estefan performs at all your halftimes.

6-Year-Old Ravens Fan No Longer Eager to Live Life, Blames Billy Cundiff

This Sunday we all bore witness to the true fragility of a season, and more so the dreams of all those who invest themselves in a football team. By missing a field goal that experts have deemed both “makeable” and “really fucking makeable” the Ravens’ Superbowl berth was ripped from their hands, ending their season in one bewildering instant. While moments in sports such as this one make us feel for the players on the field who have worked tirelessly towards unforeseen heartbreak, or the average fan who must wake up for work the next day still stinging from the loss, as is always the case, the ones affected most are the children. In this case, it is six-year-Old Ritchie Becque of Towson, Maryland, whose passion for life was irrevocably swept away with the errant kick of Billy Cundiff.

Cundiff, thinking about how he let the children down

Since the Ravens’ loss on Sunday, little Ritchie has led a life devoid of any semblance of happiness. His previous six years on Earth, he recalls, were very much full of the joy and blissfully naive aspirations characteristic of a child. Before Sunday, Ritchie would tell you that his favorite food was ice cream and french fries, that he couldn’t decide, that once he dipped a french fry in his ice cream and decided that, though a tasty and delightful novelty, both were perfect on their own and that knowledge itself made him happy. He would tell you that once he, his mom and his dad drove down to Six Flags in Virginia , that it was the greatest day ever, and that the only thing that topped the log flume was staying in a hotel later that night. Coupled with the fact that his hometown Ravens had won the AFC North and were now playing for a Superbowl berth, it didn’t seem life could get any better for little Ritchie– that is, until, his father told him they were taking a “father-son trip to Foxboro to see his hero, Billy “The Kicker” Cundiff, in live action.”

Dick was just six and a quarter years old the day he saw Cundiff miss the chip-shot that ended the Ravens’ season. Though he is just six and a quarter and two days now, it seems he has aged a thousand lifetimes.

“Yeah I was happy on the drive up to Foxboro,” tells little Ritchie, who now prefers to go by “big Dick,” in an exclusive interview. “But I didn’t even know what ‘happy’ was then. How could I know something that doesn’t truly exist?”

Understandably alarmed, Dick’s parents sought medical attention for their son, who in the day following the loss set his once beloved stuffed animals ablaze and began smoking, on average, two packs of cigarettes a day. Doctors told them that it was too late to do anything for their son, that he wasn’t in imminent danger and they were calling after office hours. However, Mr. and Mrs. Becque did not need the medical world to tell them that their son was suffering from a hardened soul.

Little Ritchie, 6 years old, a mere day following the heartbreaking loss

“I was a kid then,” recounts big Dick, looking back on the time when the Ravens held Tom Brady to his worst QB Rating in years, the team was poised to clinch a Superbowl birth and posters of Billy Cundiff lined his bedroom walls. “But I ain’t a kid no more. To tell you the truth, I don’t know what I am now. I left it all in Foxboro that day, and I don’t think I’m never gonna get it back,” he confessed while taking another drag from his unfiltered cigarette.

Big Dick now resides in New Mexico with his girlfriend of six hours, is in the process of publishing a tell-all autobiography entitled “No Hope” and often falls asleep on a couch that is a mere ten feet from his bed.

 

 

 

NFL Week 11 Power Rankings

America’s Man-Crush on Aaron Rodgers reaches “full and throbbing” status, the Pats shut the Jets up, the Bears smack up the Lions, and my fantasy team loses to Michael Bush. All this and more reflected in the Week 11 Power Rankings.

EDIT: Clearly the Colts are not 2-6, but 0-10. Winless. Yet to win. However, we’re not going to go back into the table and make the change. Not in this economy. We need to be looking to the future in these trying times. That is all. 0-10.

Want to compare WOP’s rankings to that of other certified, highly trained expert rankers?

ESPN

Yahoo!

Bleacher Report


Week 10 NFL Power Rankings

The Packers still at #1, the Pats falling, Philly Phillying, New York rising and everybody continuing to overlook the Niners because it’s funnier that way. All this, a prediction for next Monday night, and our play of the week: Patrick Peterson’s Walk-Off Punt Return in OT, in WOP’s Week 10 NFL Power Rankings.

Feeling some mid-season NFL fatigue? Click here for a riveting breakdown of the NBA lockout.

Week 9 NFL Power Rankings

Why are these NFL Power Rankings more powerful than most Power Rankings? Because they’re equally smart and about three times as funny. Why has it been 6 weeks since Walk Off Punt’s last power rankings? Because life happens, that’s why. So with a month and a half between WOP’s take on the strength of all 32 teams, you can plainly see that some teams have defied all expectations (49ers, the Fightin’ KC Chiefs,) while others have spit on their God-Given talent, disappointed once-hopeful fans, and underperformed greatly (The Cowboys.) Enjoy.

1 (1) Well, they almost lost to Ponder and the Vikes, but then they didn’t, and then they got a week off. At 7-0 expect the Packers to continue to look to score more points than their opponents. (7-0)

 


2 (8) We knew their defense was better than New England’s, but it was the offense who gets the credit for retaining possession and putting up the points to win this past Sunday against the Pats. The only question that remains is- is anybody ever going to root for Ben Roethlisberger again? (6-2)


3 (20) The Niners have introduced the concept of winning to the NFC West, and, even better for them, it hasn’t even caught on yet! (6-1)

 


4 (2) Nothing ensures that the Pats are going to put together another win streak more so than an embarrassing loss– and the 8-point loss in Pittsburgh wasn’t even that embarrassing, but you can be sure it pissed New England off. (5-2)


5 (4) At one point this past Sunday the defensive line of the Lions almost swallowed Tim Tebow whole, decided to jump on the trend of “Tebowing,” and then made way for the offense to put up 45 points on the road. This team is just mean. (6-2)


6 (6) The defense is nasty, Flacco has been terrible, Ray Rice is inconsistent, and they pulled off the biggest comeback in team history this past Sunday against the lowly Cardinals at home… so, uh… #6? (5-2)

 


7 (5) Rex Ryan summed up the challenge of facing Buffalo very succinctly the other day: “Fred Jackson is a monster.” (5-2)

 


8 (3) Whoa! Do the Saints have some real reasons to worry or were they just victims of the runoff of the St. Louis Cardinals’ magic? (5-3)

 


9 (15) The good news, they’re undefeated in the division. The bad news, the division includes the Colts (0-8), Jaguars (2-6,) and Titans (4-3). (5-3)

 


10 (9) Ask any Giant fan and they don’t feel like they should be 5-2. That being said, they’re about to play New England, San Francisco, Philadelphia, New Orleans, and Green Bay. (5-2) Lol.


11 (19)With the running game going and the defense playing up to potential, they’ve definitely turned things around since a very poor start. Now all they need is Matt Ryan to start playing better (cough cough fantasy QB cough cough.) (4-3)


12 (7) J-E-T-S ABOVE .500! They’ve probably been the best 2nd half team in the past 2 seasons of football, but you know what they say, the 2nd half is only fifty percent of the game. (4-3)

 


13 (26) In the early-season power rankings I said that even at (1-2,) to never trust a team with a ginger quarterback. Four wins later, everybody is starting to feel real uneasy about this “feel good story.” (5-2)

 


14 (18) Well, Jay Cutler is still alive, but I think he has Matt Forte to thank for that as opposed to the O-line. (4-3)

 


15 (12) This team is the best winning team that is good at losing. Think about it. (4-3)

 


16 (13) The Eagles’ ticket to the playoffs is winning the NFC East, and with the way that division is bunched up, coupled with the Giants’ brutal upcoming schedule, that gives them a decent shot. Unless of course people start unfairly sacking Mike Vick again. (3-4)


17 (11) Oakland’s swagger took a huge hit with Campbell and McFadden’s injuries. However, they’ve got their beastly running back returning to the lineup and Palmer has had the bye week to figure things out. (4-3)

 


18 (32) This team started 0-3 and lost their biggest offensive threat in Jamaal Charles. They shall henceforth be referred to as the “Fightin’ Kansas City Chiefs.” (4-3)

 


19 (14) First Freeman was bad, then Blount was injured, but then Graham was good, and Freeman got better, but then Graham got injured, though luckily Blount is back. That’s how I feel about the Bucs. (4-3)

 


20 (17) Chris Johnson looks like an asshole right now. (4-3)

 


21 (10) Like the Eagles, this team could still very well win the NFC East despite their sub-.500 record. They just need to be more consistent, find a way to get just one more strike on the St. Louis Cardinals, and the championship is theirs. (3-4)


22 (25) The Vikes, though 2-6, have had a chance to win nearly every game they’ve played this season. Christian Ponder is playing above all expectations, Adrian Peterson leads the league in rushing, and Jared Allen leads the league in sacks. This team might spoil your team’s chance at the playoffs come the later weeks. (2-6)


23 (21) Similar to the Vikings in the fact that their record does not reflect how dangerous they can be any given week. Cam Newton to Steve Smith, Cam Newton to Greg Olsen, Cam Newton to hurdle your entire defense whilst scrambling. (2-6)


24 (16) Skins fans are currently in the stage of their season where they’re sharing photos and memories from weeks 1-4 with loved ones, remembering the good times fondly, and planning for next year’s glory. (3-4)

 


25 (22)  The Jinx is in full force this year. (3-4)

 


26 (24) It’s always nice when a bad team gets their own personal Super Bowl during some mid-season primetime game. They made the Ravens look so bad on Monday Night Football that they in turn looked bad. Unbelievable, I know. (2-6)


27 (30) Whatever that was this past Sunday, it was awesome. If this happens again this I’ll launch the Rams into the top 5. (1-6)

 


28 (27) Even Tarvaris Jackson is regretting purchasing a Seattle Seahawks Tarvaris Jackson jersey this past off-season. (2-5)

 


29 (23) “Could very well be 1-4 after playing Green Bay and San Diego the next 2 weeks, which will lead to chants for Tim Tebow at Mile High, which will continue to get them nowhere” — Mel Rankenface, Week 3. (2-5)

 


30 (28) Does it sound nicer to say they’re tied for 3rd in their division? (1-6)

 


31 (29) (0-7) I still believe this team will win a game or two, they just need to play better. I could also give better analysis, I just need to care more.

 


32 (31) (0-8) This Curtis Painter fellow is a real character!