20 interesting quirks you probably didn’t notice about the 2015 NFL schedule

Goodell Smirk
Roger & Co. love hiding these quaint ‘Easter Eggs’ in every year’s NFL schedule

1. The 2015 regular season schedule is 17 weeks long, which happens to be same length as the 2014 regular season schedule, along with that of 2012, 1989, and 2013.

2. In a brazen show of its disdain of the New England Patriots, the NFL gave the defending champions the dreaded Week 4 bye.

3. The New York Jets have no winnable games on their schedule.

4. Unable to mask their obvious preference towards the Patriots, the defending champions have the pleasure of playing the Steelers Week 1 while Le’Veon Bell is still suspended.

5. By Week 8, too many teams will have moved to Los Angeles, resulting in a mass-exodus back to their respective cities.

6. A preview of the 2027 Super Bowl between two future juggernauts, the Titans and the Panthers, is cleverly hidden in Week 10.

7. Every team’s bye week falls on the first Sunday after one of their players is going to be arrested for committing a crime.

8. Although his Bills are scheduled to play 16 games this season, Rex Ryan only plans on game-planning for 4 of them. (Can you guess which ones??)

9.  The Jaguars will not be permitted to leave the UK following their Week 7 London game.

10. Despite what schedulemakers would have you believe, Tom Brady and Peyton Manning are fucking sick of playing each other.

11. The Ravens play the Bengals for two straight months from Week 2 through Week 9, and then again in Week 14.

12. Aaron Rodgers will play the Chiefs in Lambeau in Week 3, the same week he is scheduled to win the 2015 MVP award.

13. Once again, the Bills received no prime-time games at home in Ralph Wilson Stadium because of the illuminati.

14. Contrary to popular opinion, the Minnesota Vikings have a schedule.

15. With the Giants tied for the most prime-time games in the league, Eli Manning will get to stay up past 10 PM on a school night a whopping 5 times.

16. The Eagles play the Buccaneers in Week 11 (this may not end up being quirky, but better safe than sorry).

17. Due to a scheduling conflict with their stadium-mates, the Oakland Raiders will be forced to play baseball for 5 innings against the Seattle Mariners on Wednesday, September 16th.

18. All 256 regular season NFL games are just a distraction from the irreversible melting of the polar ice caps.

19. The Redskins team name will get exponentially more offensive with every passing week, ’til Week 12, when it will become funny for some reason.

20. Nobody plays the Rams.

Sad, Confused Jets Fan Goes on Vacation, Returns Home to Find Tebow in Green

“They did what?!”

“Why?!”

“Well, fuck.”

 

This Jets fan’s reaction to the news of the Tebow signing, directed at loved ones and overheard by countless neighbors, reflects the the general sentiment felt by anybody who wants to both (1) root for the Jets, (2) not hate the Jets with a passion found only in the darkest corners of the heart. This particular fan is finding such a task incredibly difficult, if not impossible.

The fan, who has chosen to remain nameless until “the Jets win the pennant,” was oceans away at the time of the signing, mercifully spared from the shit-media storm that characterized the acquisition of Tim Tebow. While most Jet fans became forced spectators to a week-long nauseating migraine, this fan has received the shock all at once, leaving him without explanation, without hope.

“I thought we just re-committed to Sanchez.”

“I thought we already signed a backup quarterback.”

“I thought we wanted to dial back the drama and put together a coherent gameplan.

“All the other fans make fun of me. I just want to be normal.”

“Fuck.”

For Jet fans, “fuck” is right. The best (the worst) is yet to come.

Or maybe it will all work out.

It’s the Goddamn NFL Week 3 Power Rankings

As we are 17.647% through the NFL season, it is time for our official “At the 17.647%-mark” Power Rankings! If you don’t find the commentary funny enough for your liking, then please go either here or maybe even here. Or just scroll down and look at some of Manny Ramirez’s artwork This here is the NFL power rankings, and we don’t fuck around with that.

(1) No reason to move them from #1 until they drop a game. Ever since the Giants gave them that game in Lambeau back in Week 16 they haven’t lost. (3-0)


(2) It was a wild one in Buffalo, and being that this was an early season loss expect Belichick and Brady to do nothing but learn from this game. (2-1)


(3) They’ve put up a combined 68 points against two good defensive teams in Green Bay and Chicago, and outdueled Houston in a shootout in week 3. (2-1)

 


(4) Holy shit. (3-0)

 


(5) Ho-ly shit. Alright, fine, I’ll say more. They handled the Chiefs week 1 as a “top 5” team should, 41-7, beat the Raiders who proved in Week 3 they are a force to be reckoned with, then pulled off the upset of the season thus far by continuing to put up points and creating just enough havoc on defense to take down Brady and the Pats. (3-0)


(6) Baltimore’s 1 loss this season was a result of the defense keying in on Chris Johnson so hard (20 something carries for 50 something yards) that Matt Hasselbeck was able to throw all over them. Other than that, convincing wins against Pittsburgh and St. Louis show that when Flacco is on, (Rice is the given,) the Ravens are deadly. (2-1)



(7) With both their running game (bread) and defense (butter) in question, the Jets are facing two huge games in Baltimore and New England. By Week 6 they could either plummet in the rankings or ascend to early-season greatness. Guaranteed. (2-1)



(8) They almost lost to Indianapolis, gross. So far the only thing the Steelers can hang their hats on this season is that they thoroughly crushed a certain teal-uniformed NFC West team. Week 4 in Houston should give us more to go on with this year’s Steelers. (2-1)



(9) With a very impressive win in Philly the Giants have everybody rethinking this season. Plus, the way the Skins have played thus far makes that Week 1 loss not so embarrassing after all. Now let’s see if the Giants replacements can stay healthy. I’m drawing the line here on injuries this team can sustain. (2-1)



(10) Romo’s lung-wrenching performance in Sunday night’s win could be the foundation for a very strong season, especially with Miles Austin coming back from injury and the team now more confident than ever. Also, good luck keeping DeMarcus Ware away from your quarterback. (2-1)



(11) Darren McFadden is good, the team plays with swagger, and the AFC West is up for grabs. (2-1)

 



(12) Scratching out a 3-point win against KC wasn’t an encouraging sign. So far the offense and defense haven’t both shown up in the same game, but with the next two weeks against Miami and Denver they have 2 very manageable games to work it out before a week 6 bye. (2-1)



(13) It might take until the 2nd half of the season before they really get their act together, assuming Vick is able to stand by then. If not, they may have to put him down and see if Vince Young can be more reliable because there is too much talent on this team to have a perpetually injured quarterback. (1-2)



(14) Their offense hasn’t played particularly well at all and yet they’re still 2-1. If Freeman and his receivers find their stride this team is moving up. (2-1)



(15) They’ve put up points every single game and thoroughly handled two teams they are “supposed” to beat Indianapolis and Miami, but the defense couldn’t muster a stop against the Saints, giving up 40 points in a game where they had an early lead. (2-1)



(16) I look for this team to compete every Sunday but not necessarily pose a real threat in the long-run. Certainly a step in the right direction for the Skins. (2-1)



(17) The Titans will be a serious contender for a playoff spot if Chris Johnson ever gets going. He has rushed for 98 yards this season. Holdouts officially suck in all directions. Pay your stars ASAP. (2-1)



(18) They crushed the Falcons, then dropped 2 games to the Saints and Packers, making the Bears our highest ranked 1-2 team. They need to get the running game going (Forte has 135 yds on the season) in order keep QB Jay Cutler and his dumb looking face intact. (1-2)



(19) Michael Turner is averaging 5.6 yds a carry, unfortunately Matt Ryan and his receivers are averaging 3.2 WTFs every drive. They’re out of sync. (1-2)



(20) Gunning pretty damn hard for that .500+ record, the Niners are making us all proud thus far. They’ve put up far more points per game (23.2, 12th in the league) than their total yards per game (213.7, 32nd in the league) would seem to yield. Now that’s believing in yourself. (2-1)



(21) Carolineans didn’t think it’d be this fun this fast with Camcam at the helm. (1-2)

 



(22) They’re getting the job done, just barely, and it’s not pretty. Much like their logo. (2-1)

 



(23) Could very well be 1-4 after playing Green Bay and San Diego the next 2 weeks, which will lead to chants for Tim Tebow at Mile High, which will continue to get them nowhere (1-2)



(24) Let this season be about Gabbert’s development, try to not overuse MJD, and get ready to compete for the division next season. (1-2)



(25) The Vikings have outscored opponents 54-7 in the 1st half, in turn to be outscored 67-6 in the 2nd. You’d think a team with Adrian Peterson could put one of those games away. (0-3)



(26) Beginning as the worst team in the league the Bengals are slowly creeping up the ranks with a Ginger QB running the show. Do not trust the Bengals. (1-2)



(27) The Saints are ready for their rematch, now. (1-2)

 



(28) I’ve got $20 on Kolb and the Cards winning the NFC West… (1-2)

 



(29) They are finally getting production out of Henne but nothing else is falling into place. Football is hard in Miami nowadays. (0-3)



(30) ..luckily my opponent put $20 on the Rams to win the West. The (0-3)

 



(31) They may have just lost their Super Bowl this past Sunday night against Pittsburgh. Sad times in Indianapolis. (0-3)



(32) Jamaal Charles is out for the season, and apparently, according to Chaarles himself, the 6-yard run that did him in during the 2nd half of the 48-3 loss to the Lions “wasn’t even that worth it.” (0-3)


Mel Rankenface

Rex Ryan Guarantees Preseason Week 4 Victory

Rex Ryan demonstrates how just how high the Jets can soar this preseason-- about 7 feet

Jets’ head coach Rex Ryan has made another brazen declaration that has rocked the sports world at its foundation, guaranteeing that the Jets will win tomorrow night in their final preseason game against the Eagles.

“We’re not making any excuses, and we’re not afraid of greatness,” Ryan stated during a press conference he called in his own garage. “When we win this Thursday that’ll make us 3-1 in the preseason and if you ask me that’s pretty damn good.”

Since arriving in New York, head coach Rex Ryan has made his intentions unabashedly clear– he’s here to win a Super Bowl. While one might assume that this is the goal of every team in the league, that is not entirely the case. The Bengals, for example, are here because they believe they look very good in tiger striped uniforms, while the Raiders are here because Al Davis is making them.

“I don’t give a damn who knows it,” Ryan continued, with the local sports media hanging on his every word, “I don’t give a god damn damn.”

With the expectations set sky high, the Jets, who boast both an offense and a defense, will look to improve on the past two seasons in which they came just short of making their Super Bowl. Their hopes largely fall on the shoulders of 3rd year quarterback Mark Sanchez, who, according to coach Ryan, is “ready to take the next step towards divinity.”

“I’m trying here,” grumbled Sanchez, who we caught up with during his latest “Jets Siberia” camp, a non-mandatory practice led by Sanchez himself during which he and the receivers work on running routes in the rocky, sub-arctic conditions of the Siberian steppe. “It’s fuckin’ hard, alright?”

With Rex stirring the pot, it was not long before the Philadelphia Eagles responded to his [preseason] Week 4 guarantee. “No, we’re gonna win,” retorted obscure second-string linebacker Akeem Jordan. “We are definitely going to win.”

“Yeah we’ll just see about that,” responded Ryan, unaware that everybody had already left the room. “You can bet your ass we will.”

Trying to Match Rex’s Enthusiasm, Coughlin Gets Tattoo of His Own

Tired of being overshadowed by Rex Ryan, Tom Coughlin has gone tat for tat with the boisterous head coach in hopes of firing up his squad. After revealing his new tattoo to his team and the media, it appears Coughlin may have scored a check mate in his very first move.

“This is very unlike Tom,” notes Giants’ tight end Kevin Boss, who declined further comment in fear of being fined.

While Ryan says the design on his right calf signifies “believing in oneself,” Coughlin’s new ink, prominently displayed from his cheek to his hairline, represents “unparalleled discipline, unchecked fury, and getting to the goddamn meetings on time.”

While the head coach’s new look seems to have lit fire within Big Blue, who completed the first ever five-a-day practice regimen on Tuesday without any complaints and minimal heat strokes, it’s effect may have gone too far with team quarterback Eli Manning.

“Eli will not be attending practice or any more team functions for that matter until the nightmares cease and the bed-wetting is down to a reasonable level,” stated Eli’s father, Archie Manning.

When asked about the striking resemblance between his and former heavyweight champion Mike Tyson’s facial tattoos, Coughlin simply replied “if he’s got a problem with it he can come talk to me.” Tyson has yet to respond.

 

Solomon Crosby