Thursday night in Atlanta the Miami Heat found themselves in triple overtime against the Hawks. LeBron James, regretfully, found himself stuck on the bench, all because he was unable to get out of the 12-piece suit he had put on the night before.
“This stuff happens,” said a slightly downtrodden James thirty minutes before tip-off, “just one of those things where you have to roll with the punches.”
The culprit is a groundbreakingly original 12-piece suit, a compilation between Hugo Boss, Ralph Lauren, Calvin Klein, Gucci, Burberry, Dolce & Gabana, Armani, Zegna, Prada and Tommy Hilfiger, beginning from the ground up with woolen nipple tassles by Diesel and leather cock suspenders by Christian Dior. The suit, laments James, comes with detailed instructions on how to put it on, but nothing in the realm of taking it off.
“This is why we have the best trainers in the world,” said head coach Erik Spoelstra after the narrow triple overtime victory. “I am confident they will find a way to get LeBron out of that suit and back into uniform as soon as possible, but until then this is why we have Chris [Bosh], whose body type is so jaunt and narrow that no suit can hold him.”
In other news, Dwyane Wade, who could also be seen sitting on the Miami bench in a nice suit, was, unlike James, not sidelined by his attire. He simply did not feel like playing the Hawks, and says he will play again “when I fucking feel like it.”