Sad, Confused Jets Fan Goes on Vacation, Returns Home to Find Tebow in Green

“They did what?!”


“Well, fuck.”


This Jets fan’s reaction to the news of the Tebow signing, directed at loved ones and overheard by countless neighbors, reflects the the general sentiment felt by anybody who wants to both (1) root for the Jets, (2) not hate the Jets with a passion found only in the darkest corners of the heart. This particular fan is finding such a task incredibly difficult, if not impossible.

The fan, who has chosen to remain nameless until “the Jets win the pennant,” was oceans away at the time of the signing, mercifully spared from the shit-media storm that characterized the acquisition of Tim Tebow. While most Jet fans became forced spectators to a week-long nauseating migraine, this fan has received the shock all at once, leaving him without explanation, without hope.

“I thought we just re-committed to Sanchez.”

“I thought we already signed a backup quarterback.”

“I thought we wanted to dial back the drama and put together a coherent gameplan.

“All the other fans make fun of me. I just want to be normal.”


For Jet fans, “fuck” is right. The best (the worst) is yet to come.

Or maybe it will all work out.


Chargers Shocked to Find Out Thursday Night Football Counts Toward Record

Following their 24-17 loss on Thursday Night Football the consensus inside the San Diego locker room was that the game against Oakland was “an excellent workout” and provided “valuable game film moving forward.” Everything changed, however, when the Chargers discovered that the contest officially dropped them to 4-5 on the season.

“What?!” cried Vincent Jackson immediately upon finding out that Thursday Night Football is more than a glorified scrimmage. “You’ve got football Sunday, Monday night, and Thanksgiving,” he stated defiantly. “There is no way in hell they’re gonna count that mess.”

While it may seem unbelievable that San Diego was not aware they were playing in an official NFL game, the misunderstanding certainly helps to explain the lack of effort they put forth on the field, starting with Jackson himself. The star wide receiver chose not to contest what ended up being the game-ending interception because he likes to “save his ups for the big time.” Additionally, not only did 2nd string halfback Michael Bush have over 240 yards from scrimmage but at one point linebacker Antwan Barnes complained to a referee that he “got him with two hands.” Quarterback Philip Rivers, however, brought his usual intensity, which ironically may have thrown his teammates off even more.

“Phil tends to flip his fucking lid whether we’re at practice or in primetime, so sometimes the lines get blurred,” notes wide receiver Vincent Brown, one of the only Chargers who went all in on Thursday night. “I play hard no matter what because I fear for my safety,” he added candidly.

Regardless of San Diego’s oversight they are now below .500 with more than half the season behind them. With their playoff hopes now in serious jeopardy, the coaching staff and players alike vow to exercise better vigilance moving forward, particularly as it applies to the schedule. “We thought a practice game with the Raiders would be the perfect time to try out our new-look porous defense and that’s on me,” concedes head coach Norv Turner.  “But the division is still in reach with plenty of football left,” he continued,  “we just have to scramble to get ready to play this Sunday and that is exactly what we’re going to do.”