20 interesting quirks you probably didn’t notice about the 2015 NFL schedule

Goodell Smirk
Roger & Co. love hiding these quaint ‘Easter Eggs’ in every year’s NFL schedule

1. The 2015 regular season schedule is 17 weeks long, which happens to be same length as the 2014 regular season schedule, along with that of 2012, 1989, and 2013.

2. In a brazen show of its disdain of the New England Patriots, the NFL gave the defending champions the dreaded Week 4 bye.

3. The New York Jets have no winnable games on their schedule.

4. Unable to mask their obvious preference towards the Patriots, the defending champions have the pleasure of playing the Steelers Week 1 while Le’Veon Bell is still suspended.

5. By Week 8, too many teams will have moved to Los Angeles, resulting in a mass-exodus back to their respective cities.

6. A preview of the 2027 Super Bowl between two future juggernauts, the Titans and the Panthers, is cleverly hidden in Week 10.

7. Every team’s bye week falls on the first Sunday after one of their players is going to be arrested for committing a crime.

8. Although his Bills are scheduled to play 16 games this season, Rex Ryan only plans on game-planning for 4 of them. (Can you guess which ones??)

9.  The Jaguars will not be permitted to leave the UK following their Week 7 London game.

10. Despite what schedulemakers would have you believe, Tom Brady and Peyton Manning are fucking sick of playing each other.

11. The Ravens play the Bengals for two straight months from Week 2 through Week 9, and then again in Week 14.

12. Aaron Rodgers will play the Chiefs in Lambeau in Week 3, the same week he is scheduled to win the 2015 MVP award.

13. Once again, the Bills received no prime-time games at home in Ralph Wilson Stadium because of the illuminati.

14. Contrary to popular opinion, the Minnesota Vikings have a schedule.

15. With the Giants tied for the most prime-time games in the league, Eli Manning will get to stay up past 10 PM on a school night a whopping 5 times.

16. The Eagles play the Buccaneers in Week 11 (this may not end up being quirky, but better safe than sorry).

17. Due to a scheduling conflict with their stadium-mates, the Oakland Raiders will be forced to play baseball for 5 innings against the Seattle Mariners on Wednesday, September 16th.

18. All 256 regular season NFL games are just a distraction from the irreversible melting of the polar ice caps.

19. The Redskins team name will get exponentially more offensive with every passing week, ’til Week 12, when it will become funny for some reason.

20. Nobody plays the Rams.

6-Year-Old Ravens Fan No Longer Eager to Live Life, Blames Billy Cundiff

This Sunday we all bore witness to the true fragility of a season, and more so the dreams of all those who invest themselves in a football team. By missing a field goal that experts have deemed both “makeable” and “really fucking makeable” the Ravens’ Superbowl berth was ripped from their hands, ending their season in one bewildering instant. While moments in sports such as this one make us feel for the players on the field who have worked tirelessly towards unforeseen heartbreak, or the average fan who must wake up for work the next day still stinging from the loss, as is always the case, the ones affected most are the children. In this case, it is six-year-Old Ritchie Becque of Towson, Maryland, whose passion for life was irrevocably swept away with the errant kick of Billy Cundiff.

Cundiff, thinking about how he let the children down

Since the Ravens’ loss on Sunday, little Ritchie has led a life devoid of any semblance of happiness. His previous six years on Earth, he recalls, were very much full of the joy and blissfully naive aspirations characteristic of a child. Before Sunday, Ritchie would tell you that his favorite food was ice cream and french fries, that he couldn’t decide, that once he dipped a french fry in his ice cream and decided that, though a tasty and delightful novelty, both were perfect on their own and that knowledge itself made him happy. He would tell you that once he, his mom and his dad drove down to Six Flags in Virginia , that it was the greatest day ever, and that the only thing that topped the log flume was staying in a hotel later that night. Coupled with the fact that his hometown Ravens had won the AFC North and were now playing for a Superbowl berth, it didn’t seem life could get any better for little Ritchie– that is, until, his father told him they were taking a “father-son trip to Foxboro to see his hero, Billy “The Kicker” Cundiff, in live action.”

Dick was just six and a quarter years old the day he saw Cundiff miss the chip-shot that ended the Ravens’ season. Though he is just six and a quarter and two days now, it seems he has aged a thousand lifetimes.

“Yeah I was happy on the drive up to Foxboro,” tells little Ritchie, who now prefers to go by “big Dick,” in an exclusive interview. “But I didn’t even know what ‘happy’ was then. How could I know something that doesn’t truly exist?”

Understandably alarmed, Dick’s parents sought medical attention for their son, who in the day following the loss set his once beloved stuffed animals ablaze and began smoking, on average, two packs of cigarettes a day. Doctors told them that it was too late to do anything for their son, that he wasn’t in imminent danger and they were calling after office hours. However, Mr. and Mrs. Becque did not need the medical world to tell them that their son was suffering from a hardened soul.

Little Ritchie, 6 years old, a mere day following the heartbreaking loss

“I was a kid then,” recounts big Dick, looking back on the time when the Ravens held Tom Brady to his worst QB Rating in years, the team was poised to clinch a Superbowl birth and posters of Billy Cundiff lined his bedroom walls. “But I ain’t a kid no more. To tell you the truth, I don’t know what I am now. I left it all in Foxboro that day, and I don’t think I’m never gonna get it back,” he confessed while taking another drag from his unfiltered cigarette.

Big Dick now resides in New Mexico with his girlfriend of six hours, is in the process of publishing a tell-all autobiography entitled “No Hope” and often falls asleep on a couch that is a mere ten feet from his bed.

 

 

 

NFL Week 11 Power Rankings

America’s Man-Crush on Aaron Rodgers reaches “full and throbbing” status, the Pats shut the Jets up, the Bears smack up the Lions, and my fantasy team loses to Michael Bush. All this and more reflected in the Week 11 Power Rankings.

EDIT: Clearly the Colts are not 2-6, but 0-10. Winless. Yet to win. However, we’re not going to go back into the table and make the change. Not in this economy. We need to be looking to the future in these trying times. That is all. 0-10.

Want to compare WOP’s rankings to that of other certified, highly trained expert rankers?

ESPN

Yahoo!

Bleacher Report


Week 10 NFL Power Rankings

The Packers still at #1, the Pats falling, Philly Phillying, New York rising and everybody continuing to overlook the Niners because it’s funnier that way. All this, a prediction for next Monday night, and our play of the week: Patrick Peterson’s Walk-Off Punt Return in OT, in WOP’s Week 10 NFL Power Rankings.

Feeling some mid-season NFL fatigue? Click here for a riveting breakdown of the NBA lockout.