Week 9 NFL Power Rankings

Why are these NFL Power Rankings more powerful than most Power Rankings? Because they’re equally smart and about three times as funny. Why has it been 6 weeks since Walk Off Punt’s last power rankings? Because life happens, that’s why. So with a month and a half between WOP’s take on the strength of all 32 teams, you can plainly see that some teams have defied all expectations (49ers, the Fightin’ KC Chiefs,) while others have spit on their God-Given talent, disappointed once-hopeful fans, and underperformed greatly (The Cowboys.) Enjoy.

1 (1) Well, they almost lost to Ponder and the Vikes, but then they didn’t, and then they got a week off. At 7-0 expect the Packers to continue to look to score more points than their opponents. (7-0)


2 (8) We knew their defense was better than New England’s, but it was the offense who gets the credit for retaining possession and putting up the points to win this past Sunday against the Pats. The only question that remains is- is anybody ever going to root for Ben Roethlisberger again? (6-2)

3 (20) The Niners have introduced the concept of winning to the NFC West, and, even better for them, it hasn’t even caught on yet! (6-1)


4 (2) Nothing ensures that the Pats are going to put together another win streak more so than an embarrassing loss– and the 8-point loss in Pittsburgh wasn’t even that embarrassing, but you can be sure it pissed New England off. (5-2)

5 (4) At one point this past Sunday the defensive line of the Lions almost swallowed Tim Tebow whole, decided to jump on the trend of “Tebowing,” and then made way for the offense to put up 45 points on the road. This team is just mean. (6-2)

6 (6) The defense is nasty, Flacco has been terrible, Ray Rice is inconsistent, and they pulled off the biggest comeback in team history this past Sunday against the lowly Cardinals at home… so, uh… #6? (5-2)


7 (5) Rex Ryan summed up the challenge of facing Buffalo very succinctly the other day: “Fred Jackson is a monster.” (5-2)


8 (3) Whoa! Do the Saints have some real reasons to worry or were they just victims of the runoff of the St. Louis Cardinals’ magic? (5-3)


9 (15) The good news, they’re undefeated in the division. The bad news, the division includes the Colts (0-8), Jaguars (2-6,) and Titans (4-3). (5-3)


10 (9) Ask any Giant fan and they don’t feel like they should be 5-2. That being said, they’re about to play New England, San Francisco, Philadelphia, New Orleans, and Green Bay. (5-2) Lol.

11 (19)With the running game going and the defense playing up to potential, they’ve definitely turned things around since a very poor start. Now all they need is Matt Ryan to start playing better (cough cough fantasy QB cough cough.) (4-3)

12 (7) J-E-T-S ABOVE .500! They’ve probably been the best 2nd half team in the past 2 seasons of football, but you know what they say, the 2nd half is only fifty percent of the game. (4-3)


13 (26) In the early-season power rankings I said that even at (1-2,) to never trust a team with a ginger quarterback. Four wins later, everybody is starting to feel real uneasy about this “feel good story.” (5-2)


14 (18) Well, Jay Cutler is still alive, but I think he has Matt Forte to thank for that as opposed to the O-line. (4-3)


15 (12) This team is the best winning team that is good at losing. Think about it. (4-3)


16 (13) The Eagles’ ticket to the playoffs is winning the NFC East, and with the way that division is bunched up, coupled with the Giants’ brutal upcoming schedule, that gives them a decent shot. Unless of course people start unfairly sacking Mike Vick again. (3-4)

17 (11) Oakland’s swagger took a huge hit with Campbell and McFadden’s injuries. However, they’ve got their beastly running back returning to the lineup and Palmer has had the bye week to figure things out. (4-3)


18 (32) This team started 0-3 and lost their biggest offensive threat in Jamaal Charles. They shall henceforth be referred to as the “Fightin’ Kansas City Chiefs.” (4-3)


19 (14) First Freeman was bad, then Blount was injured, but then Graham was good, and Freeman got better, but then Graham got injured, though luckily Blount is back. That’s how I feel about the Bucs. (4-3)


20 (17) Chris Johnson looks like an asshole right now. (4-3)


21 (10) Like the Eagles, this team could still very well win the NFC East despite their sub-.500 record. They just need to be more consistent, find a way to get just one more strike on the St. Louis Cardinals, and the championship is theirs. (3-4)

22 (25) The Vikes, though 2-6, have had a chance to win nearly every game they’ve played this season. Christian Ponder is playing above all expectations, Adrian Peterson leads the league in rushing, and Jared Allen leads the league in sacks. This team might spoil your team’s chance at the playoffs come the later weeks. (2-6)

23 (21) Similar to the Vikings in the fact that their record does not reflect how dangerous they can be any given week. Cam Newton to Steve Smith, Cam Newton to Greg Olsen, Cam Newton to hurdle your entire defense whilst scrambling. (2-6)

24 (16) Skins fans are currently in the stage of their season where they’re sharing photos and memories from weeks 1-4 with loved ones, remembering the good times fondly, and planning for next year’s glory. (3-4)


25 (22)  The Jinx is in full force this year. (3-4)


26 (24) It’s always nice when a bad team gets their own personal Super Bowl during some mid-season primetime game. They made the Ravens look so bad on Monday Night Football that they in turn looked bad. Unbelievable, I know. (2-6)

27 (30) Whatever that was this past Sunday, it was awesome. If this happens again this I’ll launch the Rams into the top 5. (1-6)


28 (27) Even Tarvaris Jackson is regretting purchasing a Seattle Seahawks Tarvaris Jackson jersey this past off-season. (2-5)


29 (23) “Could very well be 1-4 after playing Green Bay and San Diego the next 2 weeks, which will lead to chants for Tim Tebow at Mile High, which will continue to get them nowhere” — Mel Rankenface, Week 3. (2-5)


30 (28) Does it sound nicer to say they’re tied for 3rd in their division? (1-6)


31 (29) (0-7) I still believe this team will win a game or two, they just need to play better. I could also give better analysis, I just need to care more.


32 (31) (0-8) This Curtis Painter fellow is a real character!



Report: Everybody Now Really Good At Contract Negotiations, Nobody Remembers How to Play Football

With the lockout lifted and the season just around the corner, players, agents, and management alike have entered the radically shortened off-season with one thing in mind: get it done. “It,” sign the free agents, finalize the rosters, fit the rookies for helmets and break out the playbooks. With everybody put to task, 49ers assistant coach Geep Chryst set forth to compile a small, manageable set of plays for their first preseason game against the Raiders. Wading through 400 pages of  X’s and O’s from last year’s playbook, Chryst came to a shocking realization: he no longer has any idea what any of this shit means.

Chryst, admittedly embarrassed, began asking the other assistant coaches to refresh his memory. Offensive line coach Tim Drevno took one look at a blocking scheme and said in utter disbelief “oh my god, I have no clue.”

Once head coach Jim Harbaugh broke down in tears after realizing he no longer knew what the West Coast Offense actually entails, the panic became widespread. The 49ers immediately sought guidance from their close NFC West friends, the Arizona Cardinals. Upon arriving at their practice facility, however, it was clear that the Cardinals had lost their grasp of football as well– the linemen were engaged in a game of “Red Rover” while Punter Ben Graham, who seemed to be running the show, was bragging about “booting four touchdowns earlier this morning.”

To Jim Harbaugh and Cardinals’ coach Ken Wisenhunt, it was clear they were going to have to leave the hapless NFC West to find answers. In Minnesota, Adrian Peterson was giving piggy back rides to would-be tacklers. In Cincinatti, the Bengals were playing capture the flag, with each endzone being used as a “base.” In Kansas City, the team concluded that the football itself was just a defective, misshapen soccer ball, which led to countless “hand balls” and “penalty kicks” throughout practice. The situation was dire, and everybody knew there was just one way out– extract what ever football genius remained in the addled brain of John Madden.

John Madden, after being removed from the Monday Night Football broadcast, as well as having his commentary ousted from the popular video game series, “Madden,” had been driving aimlessly around the United States for the past year in a giant bus,  not even stopping to eat and often falling asleep at the wheel. The bus, with a photo of Madden himself on the roof that can be seen from great heights, was easily spotted by Patriots’ quarterback Tom Brady, on one of his routine romantic one-man hot air balloon rides.  Though initially frightened and wholly uncooperative with the social workers, as soon as he heard that football was in trouble Madden was ready to answer the call.

And so, armed with 3 translators and a 12-foot party sub, John Madden set forth to re-explain the basis of American football to the NFL players and coaches. About halfway through, as the turkey turned to pastrami, it all came rushing back to them. Nodding, smiling, and remembering which way an out pattern goes, the growth of confidence amongst the ranks was palpable

With a job well done, John Madden, still unsure of where he was, climbed back in to his bus, which this time looked a lot like a hot air balloon, and floated away into the sunset. As the NFL waved goodbye and cheered their senile savior, drowning out the meek protests of Tom Brady who was now down one hot air balloon, it was evident that the NFL had undoubtedly gotten its groove back– except for the Bengals, who still don’t get it.

  Solomon Crosby