20 interesting quirks you probably didn’t notice about the 2015 NFL schedule

Goodell Smirk
Roger & Co. love hiding these quaint ‘Easter Eggs’ in every year’s NFL schedule

1. The 2015 regular season schedule is 17 weeks long, which happens to be same length as the 2014 regular season schedule, along with that of 2012, 1989, and 2013.

2. In a brazen show of its disdain of the New England Patriots, the NFL gave the defending champions the dreaded Week 4 bye.

3. The New York Jets have no winnable games on their schedule.

4. Unable to mask their obvious preference towards the Patriots, the defending champions have the pleasure of playing the Steelers Week 1 while Le’Veon Bell is still suspended.

5. By Week 8, too many teams will have moved to Los Angeles, resulting in a mass-exodus back to their respective cities.

6. A preview of the 2027 Super Bowl between two future juggernauts, the Titans and the Panthers, is cleverly hidden in Week 10.

7. Every team’s bye week falls on the first Sunday after one of their players is going to be arrested for committing a crime.

8. Although his Bills are scheduled to play 16 games this season, Rex Ryan only plans on game-planning for 4 of them. (Can you guess which ones??)

9.  The Jaguars will not be permitted to leave the UK following their Week 7 London game.

10. Despite what schedulemakers would have you believe, Tom Brady and Peyton Manning are fucking sick of playing each other.

11. The Ravens play the Bengals for two straight months from Week 2 through Week 9, and then again in Week 14.

12. Aaron Rodgers will play the Chiefs in Lambeau in Week 3, the same week he is scheduled to win the 2015 MVP award.

13. Once again, the Bills received no prime-time games at home in Ralph Wilson Stadium because of the illuminati.

14. Contrary to popular opinion, the Minnesota Vikings have a schedule.

15. With the Giants tied for the most prime-time games in the league, Eli Manning will get to stay up past 10 PM on a school night a whopping 5 times.

16. The Eagles play the Buccaneers in Week 11 (this may not end up being quirky, but better safe than sorry).

17. Due to a scheduling conflict with their stadium-mates, the Oakland Raiders will be forced to play baseball for 5 innings against the Seattle Mariners on Wednesday, September 16th.

18. All 256 regular season NFL games are just a distraction from the irreversible melting of the polar ice caps.

19. The Redskins team name will get exponentially more offensive with every passing week, ’til Week 12, when it will become funny for some reason.

20. Nobody plays the Rams.

Entire Green Bay Packers Roster Focused on Sunday’s Pro Bowl

Aaron Rodgers, showing us his focused face.

As the saying goes, ‘you can’t win ’em all,’ and in pro football this rings especially true. When the good teams lose, they learn from the game film, move on, and win the big one when it counts. After a 15-1 regular season, the defending champion Green Bay Packers entered the playoffs with the highest of hopes only to lose, handily, at Lambeau Field to the 9-7 Giants. But like a true champion, the Packers have emerged from this heavy cloud of disappointment with a newfound focus on the challenge that lies ahead.

“We’ve got to just dust ourselves off and come out strong this Sunday in the Pro Bowl,” said NFC starting QB, Aaron Rodgers, who will have the pleasure of receiving snaps from Green Bay center Scott Wells. “We played the worst game of our season a few weeks ago and it proved costly, but we are determined to not disappoint in Honolulu, discount doublecheck,” he added with confidence.

With the entire country watching (for no more than 3 minutes after stumbling across the game while flipping through channels,) the Packers, who can boast the most players in the Pro Bowl and the least in the Superbowl (tied with 30 other teams,) have the opportunity to put all of their focus on this one game and turn their season from a bitter disappointment to a roaring success.

“With the likes of Ben Roethlisberger, Arian Foster and A.J. Green lining up against you, it’s like fifty playoffs games all rolled into one,” observed starting linebacker Clay Matthews, “which is why Charles [Woodson], B.J [Raji] and I have been poring over this new defensive system to make sure we are one-hundred-percent prepared for anything our opponents have to throw at us.”

“The new defensive system just tells us to play defense,” noted Raji, who has been working tirelessly to get up the hill leading to the Aloha Stadium for the game. And play defense they will, for losing this time around simply is not an option according to veteran safety Charles Woodson.

“We can’t be fooled by the lack of enthusiasm, the strange way the sunlight plays on the field, or the fact that everybody is running around at half-speed and telling racist jokes in the huddle,” commented Woodson, “this game is all we’ve got, and we’re gonna get it.”

“Do we get like, a trophy if we win, or something? Maybe a commemorative t-shirt?” he added.

The Pro Bowl will be played at something weird o’clock, (5 P.M? 11:45 AM?) on a channel you will inevitably stumble across at some point during your day before chuckling at the idea of watching the pro-bowl and continuing on with your life. The winner of the game will in fact receive a $25 gift certificate from Modell’s Sporting Goods.

Week 10 NFL Power Rankings

The Packers still at #1, the Pats falling, Philly Phillying, New York rising and everybody continuing to overlook the Niners because it’s funnier that way. All this, a prediction for next Monday night, and our play of the week: Patrick Peterson’s Walk-Off Punt Return in OT, in WOP’s Week 10 NFL Power Rankings.

Feeling some mid-season NFL fatigue? Click here for a riveting breakdown of the NBA lockout.