Wow! Brady is suspended for the first 4 games of the 2016 season, and the Patriots lose their 2016 1st-round draft pick and their 2017 4th-rounder. No one saw that coming. Naturally, the NFL had a slew of other punishments ready to go, all dependent on the public’s reaction to the Wells Report. Such punishments included:
1. Tom Brady must return his Super Bowl XLIX DVD. He will continue to receive his year’s subscription of Sports Illustrated, however.
2. No suspension, no fines, no loss of draft pick, but every Patriot must hand in a book report on the Wells Report by Friday.
3. Tom Brady is thrown in prison.
4. From now on, the Patriots’ mascot will be AC Slater from Saved by the Bell. AC Slater’s face as their logo. AC Slater’s face on their helmets and in the endzone. AC Slater gets to be their long snapper.
5. The Red Sox are canceled indefinitely. Do you see what happens when you cheat, Patriots? You don’t just hurt yourselves, you hurt everybody around you.
6. Rob Gronkowski has to be friends with Roger Goodell and he has to mean it.
7. From now on, tricking lesser teams into trading you all their draft picks is NOT ALLOWED. Not even the Browns.
8. Rex Ryan gets to read your playbook and your 1 million dollar fine goes directly to him.
9. No punishment, but we just need you to know how very disappointed we are in you.
10. From now on, Gillette Stadium can only play music by Gloria Estefan.
11. Patriots and Seahawks will replay the 2nd and goal from Super Bowl XLIX. It’s on you now, Carroll.
13. During the month of October, when everybody else is wearing pink for Breast Cancer Awareness, the Patriots will don black, indicating the true color of their souls.
14. Also, Gloria Estefan performs at all your halftimes.
1. The 2015 regular season schedule is 17 weeks long, which happens to be same length as the 2014 regular season schedule, along with that of 2012, 1989, and 2013.
2. In a brazen show of its disdain of the New England Patriots, the NFL gave the defending champions the dreaded Week 4 bye.
3. The New York Jets have no winnable games on their schedule.
4. Unable to mask their obvious preference towards the Patriots, the defending champions have the pleasure of playing the Steelers Week 1 while Le’Veon Bell is still suspended.
5. By Week 8, too many teams will have moved to Los Angeles, resulting in a mass-exodus back to their respective cities.
6. A preview of the 2027 Super Bowl between two future juggernauts, the Titans and the Panthers, is cleverly hidden in Week 10.
7. Every team’s bye week falls on the first Sunday after one of their players is going to be arrested for committing a crime.
8. Although his Bills are scheduled to play 16 games this season, Rex Ryan only plans on game-planning for 4 of them. (Can you guess which ones??)
9. The Jaguars will not be permitted to leave the UK following their Week 7 London game.
10. Despite what schedulemakers would have you believe, Tom Brady and Peyton Manning are fucking sick of playing each other.
11. The Ravens play the Bengals for two straight months from Week 2 through Week 9, and then again in Week 14.
12. Aaron Rodgers will play the Chiefs in Lambeau in Week 3, the same week he is scheduled to win the 2015 MVP award.
13. Once again, the Bills received no prime-time games at home in Ralph Wilson Stadium because of the illuminati.
14. Contrary to popular opinion, the Minnesota Vikings have a schedule.
15. With the Giants tied for the most prime-time games in the league, Eli Manning will get to stay up past 10 PM on a school night a whopping 5 times.
16. The Eagles play the Buccaneers in Week 11 (this may not end up being quirky, but better safe than sorry).
17. Due to a scheduling conflict with their stadium-mates, the Oakland Raiders will be forced to play baseball for 5 innings against the Seattle Mariners on Wednesday, September 16th.
18. All 256 regular season NFL games are just a distraction from the irreversible melting of the polar ice caps.
19. The Redskins team name will get exponentially more offensive with every passing week, ’til Week 12, when it will become funny for some reason.
20. Nobody plays the Rams.
In the spirit of Key and Peele’s “Football Names” sketch, here are the top 32 football names in the 2015 NFL draft.
Rank – Name – Position – Projected Round – College
32. Jay Ajayi – RB – (2nd) – Boise State
Let’s ease in with the smooth stylings of Jay Ajayi (pronounced “uh-jay-ee”). Try saying this one five times fast. Jay Ajayi Jay Ajayi Jay Ajay Jay Ajayi. Hear that? You’re just a crazy person making sounds now.
31. Brandon Scherff – OT/G – (1st) – Iowa
For offensive linemen, it’s good to have guttural-sounding names. “Scherff” certainly fits the bill. We also would have accepted “Umpfth,” “Grunkpff,” or “Hworbbth!!”
30. Bryce Petty – QB – (3rd-5th unless Buffalo is dumb enough to take him in the 2nd) – Baylor
Shout out to BP for having the whitest name in the entire draft. Spoiler alert: that’s a wrap on the caucasians.
29. Amari Cooper – WR – (1st) – Alabama
After being named Amari Cooper, Amari Cooper was really left with just one big decision in his life — small forward, or wide receiver? As the top WR in this draft, young Amari sure lived up to his name.
28. Alvin “Bud” Dupree – EDGE – (1st) – Kentucky
As if being form-tackled by a man named Alvin wasn’t bad enough, Mr. Dupree somehow earned the nickname “Bud” on his way to becoming one of the nastier defenders in the 2015 draft.
27. Jaelen Strong – WR – (1st) – Arizona State
If a player can retire from football and become a male porn star without having to change their name, it’s probably a good name.
26. Hau’oli Kikaha – EDGE – (10/2nd-4th) – Washington
This guy’s from Hawaii, I bet.
25. Deontay Greenberry – WR – (5th-7th) – Houston
He sounds fast.
24. Javorious Allen – RB – (3rd-4th) – USC
23. Ifo Ekpre-Olomu – CB – (2nd-3rd) – Oregon
Sorry, my cat walked across the keyboard.
22. Jesse James – TE – (5th-7th) – Penn State
No, not that Jesse James. But, much like Jaelen Strong, Jesse James could seamlessly transition into porn without having to change his name. He would, however, have to become blonde and also a chick.
21. Cameron Artis-Payne – RB – (4th-6th) – Auburn
Lends itself to the nickname “The Pain Artist.” Make it happen, Cameron.
20. Maxx Williams – TE – (1st-2nd) – Minnesota
Double X’s will automatically vault any player into the first round of this mock. Throw in a 3rd X and he can join Jaelen Strong and Jesse James in their adult movie careers.
19. Anthony Chickillo – DE – (4th-6th) – Miami
This is either the name of a man who kills somebody in a mafia flick or gets killed in a mafia flick.
18. Duke Johnson – RB – (2nd-3rd) – Miami
Excellent name for a mustachio’d African-American cop who doesn’t always play by the rules. Pretty good for a running back, too, but mainly the first thing I said.
17. Za’Darius Smith – DE – (3rd-5th) – Kentucky
I know all names are technically “made up,” but come on.
16. Louis Trinca-Pasat – DT – (4th-6th) – Iowa
This random collection of sounds is brought to by Mr. Trinca and Mrs. Pasat, who each felt such a strong connection to their original surnames, they decided to keep them both and make life difficult for their son, Louis.
15. Ronald Darby – CB – (1st-2nd) Florida State
Having the softest, least-intimidating name in the draft lands Ronald Darby smack-dab in the middle of the first round.
14. Reese Dismukes – C – (3/2nd-4th) – Auburn
It’s good to name offensive linemen after candy. For example, Snickers Washington would make a solid left tackle. Hershey Jones is a monster at right guard. Rolo McElroy sucks but you can’t fault him for his effort.
13. Deshazor Everett – CB – (30/6th-UDFA) – Texas A&M
And now we’re back to making up names.
12. Levi Norwood – WR – (33/7th -UDFA) – Baylor
Well, there you have it. Bow down, Jaelen Strong, Jesse James, and Maxxx Williams. Levi Norwood could be the central character in a multi-ethnic foursome without breaking a sweat. He might even fight some crime afterwards.
11. Leterrius Walton – DT – (29/6th-7th) – Central Michigan
I feel like this name would be perfect if we could slap an “M.D.” on at the end.
10. Deiontrez Mount – EDGE – (7th-UDFA) – Louisville
Deiontrez may end up going undrafted, but his name is absolutely top-10 material. (Spoiler: still not the blackest name in the draft).
9. Obum Gwacham – EDGE – (5th-7th) – Oregon State
This name makes more sense if you picture it being said by Jabba the Hutt.
8. MyCole Pruitt – TE (5th-7th) – Southern Illinois
Let me guess — his father wanted to name him “Cole,” but then his overly-possessive mother stepped in.
7. Hroniss Grasu – C – (2nd-4th) – Oregon
Just rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it?
6. Kwon Alexander – ILB – (3rd-4th) – LSU
Strong, simple, and bad-ass.
5. Tayo Fabuluje – OT – (5th-7th) – TCU
All in favor with replacing the word “fabulous” with “fabuluje” say I!
4. Owamagbe Odighizuwa – EDGE – (2nd-3rd) – UCLA
I bet his grade school teachers just skipped him in roll call.
3. Ali Marpet – OG – (2nd-4th) – Hobart & William Smith
Bro 1: “… whatever, dude. I’ve banged tons of chicks.”
Bro 2: “Oh yeah? Name one.”
Bro 1: “Ali.”
Bro 2: “Bullshit, you’re making that up. Ali who?”
*Bro 1 gets visibly nervous*
Bro 1: “Ali… Marpet?”
2. Norkeithus Otis – EDGE – (4th-6th) – UNC
N-O-R-K-E-I-T-H-U-S. In the same realm as the 2013 #1 overall name, Barkevious Mingo. Just stellar.
1. Jaquiski Tartt – Safety – (2nd-3rd) – Samford
Of all the wonderful things going on here, I think my favorite aspect of our top name in the draft is the 2nd T at the end of Tartt. Because, why the hell not? Now I’ll shut up, and just let the name speak for itself.
Thanks for reading.