@landondonovan and @hopesolo Clearly #Banging, Tweets Indicate

Hope disappointed to find out Landon is not as tall as his Twitter handle

It began with a mutual following, followed with a seemingly harmless mention, but has continued to the point of being painfully obvious– @landondonovan and @hopesolo are clearly #banging each other, and frankly it’s kind of annoying.

If you’re not familiar with this uncomfortably public courtship, check out @LandonDonovan’s Twitter page on which you will see dozens of attempts by the US Men’s National Team captain to get into @hopesolo’s goalie shorts. The courtship can be described as”totally high school,” but way nerdier, and carried out in front of hundreds of thousands of people. Let’s break down some of the many shots on goal taken by @landondonovan:

Good luck Hope! RT @RichardMotzkin: Big night for client @hopesolo on #DWTS. Vote for Team #MakSolo at 800-868-3408 or online at http://www.abc.com

Here we’ve got the “hit-on-via-retweet,” annotated by the “RT,” followed by the “mention” (@hopesolo), which let’s Hope know that Landon’s thinking about her, even if that thought comes in the words of somebody else’s tweet. Next, “#DWTS” is code for Dancing With the Stars, just in case we still thought Landon Donovan was cool.  Finally, to hammer it home, the tweet concludes by pandering for votes through an 800 number or ABC.com. Boy, he must be #smitten. Painful as this is, let’s keep going.

Hopefully I get invited back! RT @hopesolo: Look who showed up to support me! And guess what @landondonovan we in for another week! 🙂

In this heartwarming tweet we see that Hope is not only handling Landon’s shots on goal, she’s volleying them right back.

Dissecting the tweet, it seems that Landon made the shockingly daring move of leaving the Twitter universe, or Twuniverse, and visited Hope, in person, for support, for something, or some other thing. The visit clearly has Hope in a flirty mood, annotated by the  🙂 , egging the midfielder on in his pursuit. Donovan’s retweet of Hope’s original flirt, known as a “reflirt,” or “RF,” shows that no matter how obvious this thing gets, the two are not going to stop into the whole @world knows of their darling relationship. Finally, Landon implies that he may have already snuck one past the keeper in this tweet:

Better be careful Hope…I got dirt on you 😉 RT @bsbeall: @landondonovan You gonna let @hopesolo call you out like that on Letterman?

If the constant @ing between the two US soccer players wasn’t enough to confirm that something was in the Twair between the two stars, Landon gives us some creepy confirmation right here. “I got dirt on you ;)” he says, quite sketchily, implying that @landondonovan and @hopesolo may have actually #banged already #damnthatbabysgonnabegoodatsoccer

But if they have already #banged, then why is he still going at it over the Twuniverse? Are we doomed to live in a Tworld where we are exposed to Mr. and Mrs. @’s love chirpings all Twday long?  This disturbing notion should have us all reconsidering Twlaw, for we must ask ourselves, is this the kind of Tworld we want to be bringing up our Twchildren in? #getmeoutofhere


Tottenham Shock the World, Emerge Victorious After 0-0 Thriller!

Tottenham Hotspur will advance to the quarterfinals of the UEFA                     Champions League after drawing 0-0 with footballing powerhouse, AC Milan. The 2-leg match, touted as “the little team from London” versus “the greasier, more Italian Goliath,” saw 180 plus minutes of foot soccer played across 2 countries, and 1 inexplicable goal.

The second leg of the contest took place at the home of the Spurs in Northern London, where 60,000 fans watched nervously as their heroes attempted to play a very long game of keepaway from heavily favored Milan. They began with a pass to the left fullback, followed by a pass back to the center, who held the ball for a brilliant five seconds before falling to the ground and grabbing a non-descript area of his leg in anguish. The players from Milan watched with reverence as Tottenham used the very craft the Italians invented centuries earlier against them.

The Spurs found themselves in this fortuitous position after the first leg of the match, where the soccer ball deflected off the foot of Peter Crouch who had been swinging his leg back and forth quite recklessly and much closer to the goal post than anybody felt comfortable with. This serendipitous event was put into motion by Aaron Lennon, who began running across the field with a total disregard for all the on-field conversations he was interrupting. He pushed the ball forward violently, causing one defender to fall to the ground and another to attempt to call “timeout” on account of “no fair.” A few heart-stopping seconds later the ball struck Crouch’s foot and rolled into the net behind the keeper.

The “goal,” an ancient term used to describe such an occurrence, is what football historians claim to be the reason Tottenham will advance past AC Milan. Using this “goal” to their advantage, the Spurs entered what is known as “complete lockdown mode” with 82 minutes remaining in the second match. This requires that every player on the team place their big toe on the soccer ball simultaneously and press down really hard, creating an impenetrable shell of footballing genius.

In preparation for the quarterfinals Tottenham have released both Crouch and Lennon for their insensitive actions against Milan.