NBA One Step Closer to Dream of Being Nothing But Playoffs

With the news that the NBA has cancelled the first 2 weeks of the season, it appears that the league is one step closer to realizing it’s dream– to consist of nothing but playoffs.

David Stern very pleased where with this is headed

Within the current format, the NBA playoffs, which run from April until seemingly forever, are preceded by the regular season (also known as the “playoff preview showcase.”) The highlight of the regular season comes on Christmas day, when teams that are certain to meet during the playoffs are put on national television. Aside from the thrill of watching basketball in the new pajama pants and sneakers you received for Christmas, there’s actually not much more to the regular season.

“The regular season originally began as free-throw practice for Shaquille O’Neal,” notes league commissioner David Stern, who took great pride in announcing that 2 weeks had been dashed from the schedule. “The man is simply so large that his gravity attracted enough players and fans for a regular season to break out.”

“It serves no purpose. We already know who’s going to be in the playoffs,” he added.

With the season shortened and more of the schedule likely to go, the NBA is closer to being nothing but one long playoff. The league will revert to a jersey-based system, where playoff teams will be decided by how well their jerseys are selling, or if the NBA wants a specific team to sell more jerseys.

With the regular season almost certainly to be extinct, we bid adieu to the following niceties we will have enjoyed for the last time:

The discussion of whether or not a team will win 70 games
The LA Clippers
Jeff Van Gundy upset over a meaningless play
The notion that the Knicks could be good this season
30-Win-Teams striving adorably for the #8 seed

Please comment below on what you will miss about the NBA regular season.


Georgetown Class Trip to Fish Market Turns Sour

A recent class trip to the local Chinatown fish market took a turn for the worse when students got into an argument over the going price of cod. The Georgetown students, who had been studying aquatic life for the past month, felt that they had a sincere understanding of the market when they embarked on their field trip to Chinatown to see, first-hand, the role that fish played in every day life. Local fish traders, however, proved to be nothing but contentious and wildly unhelpful.

“We had been studying the most popular types of fish, their habitat, their diet… we even got an aquarium in our classroom so that the students could learn to take care of the marine life themselves,” said the students’ teacher, Mr. Thompson. “We had no idea we were simply preparing for a race war.”

Upon arriving at the fish market, however, all the students’ hard work was  put into question. Armed with the knowledge that cod is one of the most prevalent fish in the Mid-Atlantic region, the students were shocked to learn that they were going for $6.99/lb in Chinatown. “If that’s the market price, then fuck the market,” shouted 16th grader Chris Wright toward the local traders. All hell then broke loose.

In the aftermath of the unpleasantness, students and their families have been refunded the $25 class trip fee and all future field trips have been suspended indefinitely.

Solomon Crosby

NFL Players, Owners Agree to Turn Over “All This Bullshit” to NBA

After 130-something days of bullshit, all this bullshit has finally come to an end. I did my best to avoid the bullshit. Whenever it came on ESPN, I switched that shit to Comedy Central. I mean, come on, we all knew it was going to come to an end at some point. Football was going to happen. The only people who should have been concerning themselves with this bullshit all the while were the ones who had a piece of that 9 billion dollar pie, and Adam Schefter.

So with that, it’s time to get ready for football season (and rather quickly I might add), and wait for this whole muck of bullshit to re-emerge in a month or so in the form of the NBA lockout. Now that is going to be shitty.

Hope Time Warner Cable carries ESPNTurkey.

Kevin “the” Rant



Finally At Peace, City of Cleveland Passes On Into Afterlife

As the final buzzer sounded on the Miami Heat’s season and Lebron James’ hopes for his first NBA championship, a strange calm descended on the city of Cleveland. Just moments after the Dallas Mavericks hoisted the trophy ESPN’s Rachel Nichols looked to Cleveland for its reaction, only to find that the city was no longer there.

According to Clevelandologist Sam Farnstein, author of Cleveland, Why Did It Happen and Who Was Responsible? Cleveland has actually been dead since 1961, sometime between the East Ohio Gas Co. explosion and the Cuyahoga River Fires (please note the plurality of fire). For the next five decades, Cleveland, once lovingly nicknamed “The Mistake on the Lake,” existed in a kind of mundane purgatory, with no real purpose or clue what it was supposed to be doing. That is until Lebron James, the hometown kid who brought with him sunshine and hope, emerged out of Akron, Ohio.

The nation instantly took notice. The one they called King James had put Cleveland back on the map. Literally, cartographers started putting Cleveland on maps again.

“It was around this time that the city itself began to truly believe it was alive. The economy was happening, newspapers were being updated bi-weekly, and stoplights with all three colors on them became a Cleveland staple. I mean, people were even wearing sneakers again,” notes Farnsetein.

And then the inevitable happened. Cleveland’s prodigal son departed for South Beach, leaving behind him nothing but pain and anguish. Cleveland sank back into obscurity and watched with immeasurable resentment as James led Miami towards the championship he had once promised the city he no longer called home.

But things have a funny way of working themselves out. Cleveland seems to have found peace in the fact that James is now faced with the immense task of building a winning career on top a foundation of letdown and failure, much like Cleveland itself, which was built on top of four million Pepsi Lime soda bottles. And as we sift through those soda bottles searching for the all-but-lost story of a city that couldn’t stop catching on fire, we must take solace in knowing that where ever Cleveland is now, it’s in a better place– maybe even in Miami.

Absent Again in Fourth, Lebron Admits Addiction to Bounce Pass

Lebron James, conspicuously absent in crunch time of the 2011 Finals, has come out in front of the media and admitted that he suffers from a rare addiction to bounce passes.

The condition, referred to in medical circles as rimaphobia but more commonly known as assistagina, causes the patient to enter a “bounce pass first, chuck up long jumper second” mindset. The onset of assistagina is usually associated with bright lights, loud cheering, and high expectations.

James’ admission comes in the midst of a series of hapless late-game performances where he has deferred the responsibility of scoring time and time again to his teammates. According to a behavioral psychologist who chose to remain anonymous due to the embarrassment of identifying as Heat fan, James has exhibited the classic symptoms characteristic of assistagina for some time now.

Patients will often become very adept at passing, looking to “get teammates involved,” “distribute the rock,” and “ensure Udonis some easy buckets for his mama.” They will begin to avoid eye contact and answer questions in a coy, often dickish manner. Frequently we are misled by the guise that they are putting “winning above all else,” that one can actually bounce pass their way to an NBA championship. Conversely, this platitude can actually expose the patient when they are in fact, losing, as has happened with James.

As is the case with all addictions, admitting that one has a problem is the first step to recovery, and fortunately for James the second step is also the final step. Unfortunately for James, however, the second step involves two straight games of manning the fuck up.

Heat Cap Week-Long Emotional Bender With Feel-Good Win Over Lakers

After the Heat’s impressive 94-88 win over the 2-time defending champion Los Angeles Lakers it was apparent that “cry gate” was simply the start of something very, very special. With the game tied and only a minute and a half to go, the Heat’s starting five, clearly more emotionally available than their opponents, bonded together to score six straight points and secure their first win in two weeks.

The win puts the Heat at 44-21, 3rd place in the Eastern Conference and in a strong position to make a run at the NBA title. The mindset, however, seems to have shifted in Miami. “It’s no longer about the playoffs,” noted star forward Lebron James, “it’s about the friendships, the honesty, the Beanie Baby collections and most of all, the journey.”

After the buzzer sounded the Heat players and coaches slapped hands, caressed cheeks, and flicked earlobes playfully before skipping off into the locker room for scrapbooking. While an outpouring of good-feeling flowed through the ambiguously gay streets of Miami following Thursday night’s win, the Heat players remain on close suicide watch as their schedule reveals they must continue to square off with more professional basketball teams who intend to beat them.

Nets Ecstatic About Acquisition of Deron Williams, Deron Williams Not. And It’s Kind of Awkward

A day after Carmelo Anthony finally went to the Knicks, finally, the Nets countered by acquiring all-star point guard Deron Williams. However, in stark contrast to the Nets’ euphoria, Williams received the news of the trade with what he could only describe as “unadulterated sadness and despair.”

Williams, who still swears he did nothing wrong, was simply told by the Jazz to pack up his things and “find out how to get to New Jersey, then do it.” “They couldn’t even look me in the eye,” he lamented.

The Nets’, unsurprisingly, are thrilled to have Deron on the team. Gushing with excitement, Nets GM Billy King confessed that he was both surprised and emotional when the Jazz front office assured him that Deron “really wants to come,” “can’t wait,” and “has been talking about it all week.” King went as far as to make a schedule outlining all the things he and Deron could to together when he came to New Jersey.

Williams’ future teammates have also gotten caught up in the excitement. In hopes of impressing Deron the team has been working extra hard to run a working layup line (the players have gone 4 minutes without missing a layup, tripping, or forgetting their respective assignments), hanging up Deron Williams posters throughout the clubhouse, and memorizing his Wikipedia page. As early as the Monday before the trade deadline the team organized a players vs. coaches trivia game where their knowledge of Deron’s career highs, statistics, early life, and pop-culture references was put to the test.

Most importantly, the notion that Williams will make them better players has gotten this Net roster giddy with anticipation. “The prospect of Deron bouncing me a bounce pass in the middle of a real game, and then me going up for a shot, or then me bouncing the ball back to Deron, if that’s what he wants, it’s tremendously exciting” said Caucasian forward Kris Humphries. Unfortunately, Williams does not share this sentiment.

With his Cadillac packed to the brim with personal belongings and relics from an earlier, happier life, Deron made his way down the Turnpike to his new home in Newark, New Jersey. Forced to get directions from a local gas station as the Prudential Center did not show up on GPS or Google Maps, Williams arrived an hour late to his own welcome party. Regardless, the entire Nets organization was there to greet him with unconditional love and unwavering admiration. Misguided but well-meaning, the team threw rice at his car and sang songs about Mormons. Team majority owner Mikhail Prokhorov then presented Williams with a collage he made earlier that day featuring magazine cutouts of basketballs, smiley faces, vodka ads, the Rocky Mountains for some reason, and of course, Deron Williams himself. Williams feigned a smile as he held his new Nets jersey up for the cameras and for the legions of Net fans all over the world.

Days later the rice has settled and reality has set in as Deron has made it clear he is unsure whether or not he will re-sign with the Nets next season. With this the atmosphere throughout the organization can best be described as awkward and emotionally-trying for both parties. Prokhorov has threatened to rip up the “second and better collage” he has been working on while Anthony Morrow refuses to come out of his room for supper. Even with Deron leading the best layup lines the Nets have seen yet, a bittersweet cloud of uncertainty hangs over the cloud of pollution that hangs over Newark.

“Last time this organization got its hopes up we lost to the Lakers in the Finals, plunging us into a deep, irrevocable darkness for the ensuing decade,” notes a Nets’ employee who preferred to remain anonymous. “There is the prevalent feeling that if we get too attached to Deron and he leaves we will sink even farther into this chasm of hopelessness.” He continued by considering what might lie in these unknown depths; demons, dementors from the popular children’s series Harry Potter, Satan’s unborn children, and perhaps even fear itself.

While one can not tell what the future holds for Deron and the Nets, the immediate effects of his arrival can be celebrated. The Nets have managed to lose just both of their games since the trade deadline and season ticket sales are up 61% as Deron’s own mother has purchased an impractical number of personal seat licenses.