Amidst All the Linsanity, Jeremy Lin Totally Forgets to do Calc Homework. Also, J-Lin Haikus!

Jeremy Lin considering the newfound role of basketball in a life full of homework

There are a number of benefits a young man can enjoy from playing basketball. It is good exercise, a chance to network and build friendships, and can do wonders for one’s self-esteem. However, according to one very disappointed mother, all of these benefits become moot when basketball gets in the way of academics, as in the case of Jeremy Lin.

Lin, a 23-year-old Asian-American from Palo Alto, California, has spent nearly all week playing basketball, whipping the entire nation into a frenzy while not once pausing to think about his future. “We are very disappointed in Jeremy,” stated the aforementioned very dissapointed mother. “He goes out, makes all that noise with his friends, and makes all those people go crazy,” she elaborated.

Lin realized that he had forgotten to do his calc homework while riding the M34 crosstown bus home from the game against the Lakers Friday night.  “There’s no excuse. I had all week to do it,” admitted Lin as he dug through his drawstring Nike bag in search of the forgotten assignment. “If I can’t balance academics with extracurriculars then I don’t deserve to wear this Northface shell jacket,” he lamented. Lin, who has calculus first period, will have to wake up “early as balls” in order to tackle the assignent before morning basketball practice.

While the young point guard has reportedly been playing basketball since he could walk, his relationship with homework extends beyond his physical existence on this planet. Lin has a metaphysical GPA of 4.2, which applies not only to this realm, where he attended Harvard University, but also into the eternal all-encompassing nothingness that is time, space, and the collective unconscious of the Universe.

Juggling academics and athletics will become progressively tougher for Lin as, in the past week, his playtime has increased from no playtime to play-all-the-time. And now, to continue the theme of racial insensitivities and misunderstandings, a collection of original Jeremy Lin haikus:

Haiku One

bounce, hesitate, GO

careening betwixt the D

#17

Haiku Two

Lose, Lose, lose lose lose

NY Hope, again, looms false-

A hero descends.

Haiku Three

Don’t let him go right!

U too slow, uninspired,

He Jeremy Lin

Haiku Four

Black Mamba’s Garden,

Strangulates with a wry grin-

Serpent assasLin.

Haiku Five

Invigorated,

Twelve become one all for one,

Melo don’t blow this.

Haiku Six

As if from nowhere

Inspiration knows no race,

Free Taiwan, Free throw.

Want to write a J-Lin haiku too? I don’t blame you! Post it below.   


Injury Status Update: Lebron James Still Unable to Get Out of Especially Nice Suit

James trying to "Hulk his way out" of the 12-piece suit as the team goes into the second of three overtimes.

Thursday night in Atlanta the Miami Heat found themselves in triple overtime against the Hawks. LeBron James, regretfully, found himself stuck on the bench, all because he was unable to get out of the 12-piece suit he had put on the night before.

“This stuff happens,” said a slightly downtrodden James thirty minutes before tip-off, “just one of those things where you have to roll with the punches.”

The culprit is a groundbreakingly original 12-piece suit, a compilation between Hugo Boss, Ralph Lauren, Calvin Klein, Gucci, Burberry, Dolce & Gabana, Armani, Zegna, Prada and Tommy Hilfiger, beginning from the ground up with woolen nipple tassles by Diesel and leather cock suspenders by Christian Dior. The suit, laments James, comes with detailed instructions on how to put it on, but nothing in the realm of taking it off.

“This is why we have the best trainers in the world,” said head coach Erik Spoelstra after the narrow triple overtime victory. “I am confident they will find a way to get LeBron out of that suit and back into uniform as soon as possible, but until then this is why we have Chris [Bosh], whose body type is so jaunt and narrow that no suit can hold him.”

In other news, Dwyane Wade, who could also be seen sitting on the Miami bench in a nice suit, was, unlike James, not sidelined by his attire. He simply did not feel like playing the Hawks, and says he will play again “when I fucking feel like it.”

Facing a Shortened Season, Knicks Must Find Way to Disappoint Quicker

Coming into this lockout-shortened season, the New York Knicks, perennial dissapointers, found themselves in the uncomfortable position of having high expectations for the second year in a row. This time around, however, they had only 66 games to fan the flames of hope before extinguishing them all-together. Just 6 games into the season it seems the team is up to the task.

Carmelo Anthony, experiencing the dissonance of celebrating something mediocre

For the Knicks, the standard 82 games is the ideal stretch of time to manage expectations, maintain interest in the team, and ultimately fizzle out  unceremoniously. They typically begin just below the .500 mark, losing the games they’re expected to while peppering in a few exciting victories at The Garden to generate a positive buzz. About two-thirds through the season, just as murmurs of the team’s apparent mediocrity begin to emerge, the Knicks notice that they are in reach of the Pacers and their .476 win percentage, or in contention for an 8th seed with somebody weird like the Toronto Raptors, leading to one last hobbled dash to the playoffs.

“It’s truly an art form,” notes head coach Mike D’Antoni, “and something we take very seriously.” This season, the “art form”, which the Knicks’ front office refers to as “sucking responsibly,” will be challenged facing a season shortened to 66 games.

“We’ve got to come out strong” stated Carmelo Anthony with confidence. “We’ve got to come out strong then suck immediately.”

The Knicks, rising to the occasion as always, did just that with an exciting 106-104 win in the season opener at home against the Celtics. While the height of the Knicks’ season often comes halfway through the 82-game-schedule when the team wins a home game to put them at 21-2o (or something like that) it is very likely that the team has expedited the process, blowing their blue and orange load all over the Garden floor on Christmas day.

Since then the Knicks have gone 1-4, putting them just where they’re comfortable, in contention with the 3-3 Raptors for the final playoff spot in the East.

“New York is crazy. Things are happening very fast here,” panted an out of breath Tyson Chandler. “But with a lot of heart, a little bit focus, and even less defense, we’re gonna get those Raptors.”

“Hey, is Chris Paul still available?” he added.

NBA Christmas Day Photo Caption

                                                   With the newfound confidence of a champion,
                                                  Dirk plans to spend the season hurling the ball
                                                  into the face of anybody who stands in his way.

Players vs. Owners May Go Down as Greatest NBA Game Ever

Like the Celtics and the Lakers in the 80s or the Bulls and Jazz in the late 90s, the showdown between these two sides was inevitable. The early headlines, “Hunter-Fisher Rift Comes at Worst Time for Union,” “Heat Owner Fined $500,000 for Tweet,” and “David Stern: the NBA Grinch,” rival the first 3 quarters of any classic NBA game. The suspense is as excruciating as the outcome is important, and as if left without a choice, the eyes of every single fan are locked on to the drama for better or for worse. We are, of course, talking about the 2011 NBA lockout. Meet the starting lineups:

The Players

Billy “The Head” Hunter the executive director of the NBPA , Hunter’s confidence and unwavering confusion has his team standing together, divided. Some say a great leader has the ability to turn vision into reality, and because Hunter envisioned a long, debilitating negotiation that will shorten the NBA season if not cancel it all-together, his greatness will certainly go undebated.

 

 

Derek “The Heart” Fisher– the head of the players union and truly the heart of the team, Fisher met accusations of duplicity head on earlier this week head on, calling them defamatory, libelous, and downright deserving of a cockslap. If these negotiations are heading towards a good old fashioned alley-fight, expect Fisher to be the guy standing in front swinging a chain.

 

 

Kobe “The Diva” Bryant– when small market teams such as Memphis, Salt Lake City, and Milwaukee lose money on the season, most of it ends up as wallpaper in Kobe Bryant’s guesthouse bathroom. Though unequivocally standing with the players in unity, if this all goes to shit, Kobe’s going to Italy. So, you know, either way.

 

 

Dwyane “Don’t Take No Shit” Wade–  the bad boy in the starting five, Wade had the gall to stand up to David Stern during an early negotiation between the two sides. His defiant behavior let the owners side know that if they’re gonna take it into the paint, they better go hard.

 

 

 

Baron “The Poet” Davis– a great compliment to “Don’t Take No Shit” Wade, Baron Davis has brought nothing but serenity, good vibes, and a sweet new “urban hipster” look to the  table. Negotiations reportedly come to a crawl whenever Davis speaks, as all of his thoughts are accompanied by a bongo, long, silent pauses, and breaks for finger snapping and reflections upon his conclusion.

 

 

The Owners

David “The Grinch” Stern– the commissioner of the NBA and the focal point for any and all frustration one might be feeling as a result of the lockout, Stern  has an affinity for understanding the irreparable damage the lockout is doing, yet seems oddly incapable of doing anything about it. He’s like the kid who drew the biggest line in the sand so now it’s everybody else’s responsibility to grow up and give in to his demands.

 

 

Peter “The Enforcer” Holt– the owner of the San Antonio Spurs and the main proponent of “bringing the pain” to the players,  Holt has expressed frustration with the fact that his small market team doesn’t make money unless they go deep into the playoffs, because every business, regardless of its degree of success, should succeed, right? In his defense, the Knicks franchise profits every season, so one can see why he’s so ready to unleash hellfire and brimstone upon everybody and everything.

 

 

Micky “The Leak” Arison– the owner of the Miami Heat, Micky hinted via Twitter that there is division within his side and that certain owners may be keeping a deal from getting done. It seems that Arison is eager to get back to basketball, which is understandable as he could easily get distracted by a neon light or a tanned rollerskater any minute, thus losing all interest in the Heat and sports in general.

 

 

Mark “Gag-Order” Cuban– censored, muted, and hidden from sight and earshot, Mark Cuban has been taken out of the equation indefinitely by David Stern, and it’s really a profound shame. If Cuban were at the forefront of this lockout I think we would stop worrying about the rapidly shrinking season and embrace our new favorite reality show (please submit possible show titles).

 

 

Evil Derek Fisher– he sweats, bleeds, and strives with all his might to lead the players team to victory– and that’s exactly what he wants you to think when you think of Derek Fisher. Behind closed doors Evil Derek Fisher and David Stern plot the future of the league; every team, every player, and every “blown call,” all the while securing himself a cushy seat beside Stern for the rest of eternity. And if he comes after WOP for libel, that means we’ve made it big. DEREK FISHER IS CONSORTING WITH DAVID STERN.

 

 

So stay tuned, we’re not even in the last five minute of the 4th quarter (the only part really worth watching in an NBA game)