The 2015 NFL Best Football Names Draft

In the spirit of Key and Peele’s “Football Names” sketch, here are the top 32 football names in the 2015 NFL draft.

Rank – Name – Position – Projected Round – College

32. Jay Ajayi – RB – (2nd) – Boise State

Let’s ease in with the smooth stylings of Jay Ajayi (pronounced “uh-jay-ee”). Try saying this one five times fast. Jay Ajayi Jay Ajayi Jay Ajay Jay Ajayi. Hear that? You’re just a crazy person making sounds now.

31. Brandon Scherff – OT/G – (1st) – Iowa

For offensive linemen, it’s good to have guttural-sounding names. “Scherff” certainly fits the bill. We also would have accepted “Umpfth,” “Grunkpff,” or “Hworbbth!!”

30. Bryce Petty – QB – (3rd-5th unless Buffalo is dumb enough to take him in the 2nd) – Baylor

Shout out to BP for having the whitest name in the entire draft. Spoiler alert: that’s a wrap on the caucasians.

29. Amari Cooper – WR – (1st) – Alabama

After being named Amari Cooper, Amari Cooper was really left with just one big decision in his life — small forward, or wide receiver? As the top WR in this draft, young Amari sure lived up to his name.

28. Alvin “Bud” Dupree – EDGE – (1st) – Kentucky

As if being form-tackled by a man named Alvin wasn’t bad enough, Mr. Dupree somehow earned the nickname “Bud” on his way to becoming one of the nastier defenders in the 2015 draft.

27. Jaelen Strong – WR – (1st) – Arizona State

If a player can retire from football and become a male porn star without having to change their name, it’s probably a good name.

26. Hau’oli Kikaha – EDGE – (10/2nd-4th) – Washington

This guy’s from Hawaii, I bet.

25. Deontay Greenberry – WR – (5th-7th) – Houston

He sounds fast.

24. Javorious Allen – RB – (3rd-4th) – USC

Shades of Javaris Jamar.

23. Ifo Ekpre-Olomu – CB – (2nd-3rd) – Oregon

Sorry, my cat walked across the keyboard.

22. Jesse James – TE – (5th-7th) – Penn State

No, not that Jesse James. But, much like Jaelen Strong, Jesse James could seamlessly transition into porn without having to change his name. He would, however, have to become blonde and also a chick.

21. Cameron Artis-Payne – RB – (4th-6th) – Auburn

Lends itself to the nickname “The Pain Artist.” Make it happen, Cameron.

20. Maxx Williams – TE – (1st-2nd) – Minnesota

Double X’s will automatically vault any player into the first round of this mock. Throw in a 3rd X and he can join Jaelen Strong and Jesse James in their adult movie careers.

19. Anthony Chickillo – DE – (4th-6th) – Miami

This is either the name of a man who kills somebody in a mafia flick or gets killed in a mafia flick.

18. Duke Johnson – RB – (2nd-3rd) – Miami

Excellent name for a mustachio’d African-American cop who doesn’t always play by the rules. Pretty good for a running back, too, but mainly the first thing I said.

17. Za’Darius Smith – DE – (3rd-5th) – Kentucky

I know all names are technically “made up,” but come on.

16. Louis Trinca-Pasat – DT – (4th-6th) – Iowa

This random collection of sounds is brought to by Mr. Trinca and Mrs. Pasat, who each felt such a strong connection to their original surnames, they decided to keep them both and make life difficult for their son, Louis.

15. Ronald Darby – CB – (1st-2nd) Florida State

Having the softest, least-intimidating name in the draft lands Ronald Darby smack-dab in the middle of the first round.

14. Reese Dismukes – C – (3/2nd-4th) – Auburn

It’s good to name offensive linemen after candy. For example, Snickers Washington would make a solid left tackle. Hershey Jones is a monster at right guard. Rolo McElroy sucks but you can’t fault him for his effort.

13. Deshazor Everett – CB – (30/6th-UDFA) – Texas A&M

And now we’re back to making up names.

12. Levi Norwood – WR – (33/7th -UDFA) – Baylor

Well, there you have it. Bow down, Jaelen Strong, Jesse James, and Maxxx Williams. Levi Norwood could be the central character in a multi-ethnic foursome without breaking a sweat. He might even fight some crime afterwards.

11. Leterrius Walton – DT – (29/6th-7th) – Central Michigan

I feel like this name would be perfect if we could slap an “M.D.” on at the end.

10. Deiontrez Mount – EDGE – (7th-UDFA) – Louisville

Deiontrez may end up going undrafted, but his name is absolutely top-10 material. (Spoiler: still not the blackest name in the draft).

9. Obum Gwacham – EDGE – (5th-7th) – Oregon State

This name makes more sense if you picture it being said by Jabba the Hutt.

8. MyCole Pruitt – TE (5th-7th) – Southern Illinois

Let me guess — his father wanted to name him “Cole,” but then his overly-possessive mother stepped in.

7. Hroniss Grasu – C – (2nd-4th) – Oregon

Just rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it?

6. Kwon Alexander – ILB – (3rd-4th) – LSU

Strong, simple, and bad-ass.

5. Tayo Fabuluje – OT – (5th-7th) – TCU

All in favor with replacing the word “fabulous” with “fabuluje” say I!

4. Owamagbe Odighizuwa – EDGE – (2nd-3rd) – UCLA

I bet his grade school teachers just skipped him in roll call.

3. Ali Marpet – OG – (2nd-4th) – Hobart & William Smith

Bro 1: “… whatever, dude. I’ve banged tons of chicks.”

Bro 2: “Oh yeah? Name one.”

Bro 1: “Ali.”

Bro 2: “Bullshit, you’re making that up. Ali who?”

*Bro 1 gets visibly nervous*

Bro 1: “Ali… Marpet?”

2. Norkeithus Otis – EDGE – (4th-6th) – UNC

N-O-R-K-E-I-T-H-U-S. In the same realm as the 2013 #1 overall name, Barkevious Mingo. Just stellar.

1. Jaquiski Tartt – Safety – (2nd-3rd) – Samford

Of all the wonderful things going on here, I think my favorite aspect of our top name in the draft is the 2nd T at the end of Tartt. Because, why the hell not? Now I’ll shut up, and just let the name speak for itself.

Jaquiski Tartt.

Thanks for reading.

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