“What?! That team is shit!” cried a very anonymous, very black outside linebacker for the Washington Redskins after witnessing the New York Giants make the NFC Championship game. “They couldn’t block, couldn’t catch couldn’t run and sure as hell could not pass,” he continued, “that should be us in the NFC Championship game.” And in his defense, the team just one win away from the Superbowl looked entirely overmatched against the Skins this season.
“The Redskins?” scoffed the consistently-vocal Brandon Jacobs. “You fucking kidding me?” he added, staring off into the distance with a look of trepidation. “Man, I’m not gonna front, that’s the greatest team ever.”
With a game against the fearsome 49ers looming this Sunday one would expect the Giants to brush off any commentary from the 5-11 Redskins. However, after looking especially inept in both games against the Skins during the 2011 campaign, and for the better part of the decade for that matter, the Giants locker room seemed to agree with Jacobs’ sentiment.
Victor Cruz, the Giants’ breakout wide receiver who has averaged 145 yards per catch this season, expressed his relief that they were to face the Niners in the Championship game as opposed to the Redskins. “With those guys, sometimes it seems like there are, like, eleven defensive players on the other side of the ball. Their scheme is impenetrable. Bring on the Niners.”
The Redskins’ 2-0 record against the Giants and 3-11 record against the rest of the league is an anomaly of sorts. Their quarterback is Rex Grossman, their once-talented receiving corps plagued is with age, their defense is unremarkable and their running back is unidentifiable. However, as one Giants player put it, “their quarterback is Rex Grossman, their receiving corps has both the talent of youth and the wisdom of age, their defense is so unremarkable we end up throwing it right to them, and we don’t know who their running back is until he’s celebrating in the end zone. It’s fuckin’ unstoppable.”
With the Giants playing football well into January the Redskins are left wondering how the team they handled oh so handily this season has come so far, leaving them once again in the dust. “That should be us in the NFC Championship game,” lamented an indignant Rex Grossman. When asked if the Skins could have held the Falcons to a hilarious 2 points in the NFC Wild Card game, Grossman conceded they could not. When asked if the Skins could have beaten the Packers in Lambeau, Grossman conceded they could not. However, when asked if they could beat the surging Giants in a primetime game with Superbowl implications, Grossman said “I’d probably throw for 420 yards, 4 touchdowns, force a fumble somehow and we’d beat them by 20 points.”
“He’s right,” conceded Eli Manning. “All I can say is good thing the Redskins suck.”