After Paying $51 Million to Negotiate With Darvish, Rangers Can No Longer Afford Translator

Nolan Ryan unhappy with the early stages of negotiations

After winning the bidding war for the right to negotiate with Yu Darvish for a record 51.7 million dollars, the Texas Rangers sat down with the coveted Japanese ace only to realize they could not understand a word he or his agent were saying.

“We got a little ahead of ourselves,” conceded Rangers’ GM Jon Daniels. “We got so caught up in outbidding the Yankees, Red Sox, Angels, Cubs, Blue Jays, and probably the Mets that we failed to look at the next step in the process of trying to sign Darvish. Frankly, we need a translator and have no funds left to hire one.”

If the Rangers can not reach an agreement with Darvish within 30 days they will lose the exclusive rights to an incredibly gifted pitcher.

Posting a 1.44 ERA with 276 strikeouts and just 36 walks in over 200 innings, Yu Darvish has been hailed as a taller, talented Daisuke Matsuzaka as well as a thinner, alive Hideki Irabu. Beyond the stats, Darvish’s background lays the foundation for the perfect pitcher. Half Japanese and half Iranian, his style on the mound combines precision and focus with calculated misdirection, a nightmare for opposing batters and white supremacists.

Darvish, who hopes to fit right in in Texas, says he "can not wait to be a 'sexy American cowguy.'"

With the situation becoming more dire every day, the Rangers are scouring the Fort-Worth Dallas region for a Japanese-American translator willing to work pro-bono while at the same time trying to keep Darvish occupied and at ease.

“Language and contracts are for businessmen,” spat Texas-great and team-majority owner Nolan Ryan. Here, we play ball. And we play ball, they did. With the rest of the front office taking calligraphy classes and learning to pronounce the Japanese word for “guaranteed,” Ryan engaged Darvish on an entirely different level, going fastball for fastball with the young phenom.

Ryan began by throwing a fastball, and then Darvish, following his cue, threw a fastball of his own. This continued until Ryan threw a fastball so fast it hit him in the back of the head and knocked him out, at which point Darvish cheered like a Japanese schoolgirl.

Unfortunately for the Ryan and the Rangers it will take more than just a show of velocity to lock up Darvish, who is expected to continue to only know Japanese for the remainder of negotiations.

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