Facing Tebow on Sunday, Minnesota Vikings Set Their Defensive Gameplan a Little Higher

Are you sick of hearing about how Tim Tebow is the second coming? Are you dumbfounded by the emergence of a Tim Tebow versus Aaron Rodgers debate? We bet you are. Now imagine that you are 2-9, purple, and are welcoming Tim Tebow to the place you call home this Sunday, Minnesota.

It is under these desperate conditions that a radical, sordid gameplan has been born to stop Tim Tebow. Beginning as a rumor at the onset of the week but confirmed just hours ago, the Minnesota Vikings are in fact attempting to kill God himself in order to cut off his lifeline to the First Holy Son of Football.

The rumors began when an assistant coach got caught a glimpse of a defensive play with which he was unfamiliar. Finding it entirely unsettling he anonymously leaked details of the play to the public. The scheme looks something like this:One should note the unorthodox formation of this defensive scheme, which leaves just one defensive lineman at the line of scrimmage (presumably Jared Allen,) and spreads the rest of the personnel out as if disinterested in the Denver Broncos. However, much more shocking than the scheme’s inevitable inability to stop the run is it’s semblance to the satanic symbol of the pentagram:

Papal forensic experts fear that a full copy of the playbook would reveal something more along these lines:

Here we can see that the Vikings are only leaving two men in to spy on quarterback Tim Tebow, while the other nine sprint backwards/upwards to take down God. The plan is as genius as it is diabolical. While a flurry of teams have come out looking the fool chasing Tebow around in the fourth quarter, the Minnesota Vikings, who have been struggling against God since their inception in the league, understand that you can not bring down a man with The Grace of God on his side. Instead, in what could prove to be the ultimate prevent defense, they will try to take down the source of his divine power.

Though the Vikings’ lack of coherence on defense and below-par tackling skills would cause one to believe that God could handle himself against such an offensive, it should be noted that he will be preoccupied with guiding his one and only true son to the endzone for six, not guarding himself against a gang tackle. Lastly, in Genesis 48:8 it is stated:

And said unto me, behold, tho all-mighty and everlasting, that which He can hardly endureth is a gang tackle.

It appears God better keep his head on a swivel this Sunday.









3 thoughts on “Facing Tebow on Sunday, Minnesota Vikings Set Their Defensive Gameplan a Little Higher

  1. Ellie CV December 2, 2011 / 6:34 pm

    Crosby- good thing your Vikings fan girlfriend hasn’t cut you off…. yet.

    • Matt Fortier December 3, 2011 / 12:03 am

      Honestly, I’m perplexed by the whole situation, Crosby. Your post sent me immediately to my bible, which fortunately was not far, and I was able to find a favorite verse of mine:

      Lev. 11:6-8 “6 The rabbit, though it chews the cud, does not have a split hoof; it is unclean for you. 7 And the pig, though it has a split hoof completely divided, does not chew the cud; it is unclean for you. 8 You must not eat their meat or touch their carcasses; they are unclean for you.”

      And hence my utter confusion! How has God allowed his son – no, excuse me, supported, encouraged, enabled if you will – to march to five victories while all the while holding this unclean, defiled pigskin?!

      I tell you, Tim Tebow cannot, indeed, be God’s son (nor can Nas, come to think of it). I think the devil is at play.

      • Forrest Chump December 6, 2011 / 6:39 pm

        Here! Here! …enough already with this Tebow -ishness stuff …….. so what if he’s the greatest thing since sliced butter…..

        ……….it’s gotten so out of hand that even Brad And Angie are shopping around to adopt a little white Christian southpaw baby boy

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