Are you sick of hearing about how Tim Tebow is the second coming? Are you dumbfounded by the emergence of a Tim Tebow versus Aaron Rodgers debate? We bet you are. Now imagine that you are 2-9, purple, and are welcoming Tim Tebow to the place you call home this Sunday, Minnesota.
It is under these desperate conditions that a radical, sordid gameplan has been born to stop Tim Tebow. Beginning as a rumor at the onset of the week but confirmed just hours ago, the Minnesota Vikings are in fact attempting to kill God himself in order to cut off his lifeline to the First Holy Son of Football.
The rumors began when an assistant coach got caught a glimpse of a defensive play with which he was unfamiliar. Finding it entirely unsettling he anonymously leaked details of the play to the public. The scheme looks something like this:One should note the unorthodox formation of this defensive scheme, which leaves just one defensive lineman at the line of scrimmage (presumably Jared Allen,) and spreads the rest of the personnel out as if disinterested in the Denver Broncos. However, much more shocking than the scheme’s inevitable inability to stop the run is it’s semblance to the satanic symbol of the pentagram:
Here we can see that the Vikings are only leaving two men in to spy on quarterback Tim Tebow, while the other nine sprint backwards/upwards to take down God. The plan is as genius as it is diabolical. While a flurry of teams have come out looking the fool chasing Tebow around in the fourth quarter, the Minnesota Vikings, who have been struggling against God since their inception in the league, understand that you can not bring down a man with The Grace of God on his side. Instead, in what could prove to be the ultimate prevent defense, they will try to take down the source of his divine power.
Though the Vikings’ lack of coherence on defense and below-par tackling skills would cause one to believe that God could handle himself against such an offensive, it should be noted that he will be preoccupied with guiding his one and only true son to the endzone for six, not guarding himself against a gang tackle. Lastly, in Genesis 48:8 it is stated:
And said unto me, behold, tho all-mighty and everlasting, that which He can hardly endureth is a gang tackle.
It appears God better keep his head on a swivel this Sunday.