Sox Fan, Forced to Root For the Yankees, Explodes Instead

Forensic team at the scene of the person explosion

Dale Shea of Lancaster, Massachusetts, 51, a lifelong Red Sox fan, exploded in his easy chair on Tuesday after finding himself in the unsavory position of having to root for the Yankees as they squared off with the Rays, Boston’s competition for the final playoff spot.

Forensic experts, who arrived at the scene during the 7th inning of the game, just as the Yankees purposefully lost the game to spite their hated rivals, determined that Shea must have exploded 3 innings prior, right around when Alex Rodriguez was up with runners in scoring position.

Their suspicions were sustained by Dale’s wife, Jennifer, who reportedly heard Dale holler “let’s go A-Ro–” immediately followed by a loud POP and the surprised shrieks of their daughter, Lily.

An actual photo of the unusual occurence recovered from the Shea's nanny cam, once it was cleaned of brain and skull fragments

“Daddy exploded everywhere!” confirms Lily, 4, also from Lancaster, Massachusetts. “He got on the ceiling!” she observed, astutely.

The unfortunate incident comes as a surprise, being that, in the words of a scientist, people often explode because of bombs or extreme impact, not inner turmoil1 . “The autopsy reveals that all 4 lobes of Mr. Shea’s brain were pushing up against each other with the force of a dying star, which I, as a scientist, find to be very startling.”

In an effort curtail the spread of any such incidents, the local government has decreed that Red Sox fans to simply, “abandon all hope,” or atleast “don’t try rooting for the fucking Yankees.”

 

References: [1] Harbinger, Joel (1991). Why People Explode Sometimes: A Comprehensive History. New York, NY: Penguin Group, pp. 4-88.

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