Breakinger News: Manny Ramirez Banned From Baseball in the Dominican Republic

Draped in the Dominican flag Manny Ramirez stood in customs, his belongings being scrutinized by a team of agents. After three painstaking hours, authorities determined that permitting Mr. Ramirez to enter the country would be a security risk not only for the people of the Dominican Republic, but for the ecological balance of Earth itself.

Manny Ramirez gracefully receiving the bad news

“Mr. Ramirez was attempting to bring in several items into the country that were so unusual they went beyond the standard definition of hazardous materials and required more scrutiny than your average Colombian fishing vessel. In the end we felt that allowing Mr. Ramirez into the country would most likely to the downfall of the entire Republic” stated one particularly pessimistic public official.

Ramirez was naturally very upset about being turned away from the place he had hoped to call home. Nobody likes Manny no more,” said Manny himself, quite thoughtfully. “And nobody likes Manny’s collection of rare cacti,” he added, adeptly pluralizing “cactus” to everybody’s surprise.

While it would seem that Manny was turned away by customs because of the unusual but imminent security risk he posed, skeptics insist that it is Bud Selig who truly kept Manny from fulfilling the childhood dream he dreamed up three days ago. “That’s ridiculous,”  said Bud Selig as he and four U.S. air marshalls escorted Manny back to the States. “These highly trained professionals have determined that allowing Mr. Ramirez entry to the Dominican Republic would simply not be prudent at this time.”

A closer look at the fine print of MLBs steroid policy, however, shows that by retiring instead of serving his 100-game suspension for using banned substances, Manny Ramirez’s soul now legally belong to Bud Selig. When asked to address this point, the commissioner confirmed by stating “oh yes, that’s true I do own his soul.”

Regardless of the real reason as to why Mr. Ramirez was denied entry into the country, it is clear that he will not be going home. Furthering their case against Mr. Ramirez, the list of the materials seized at customs has been released to the public:

75 lbs of green grapes

“Fathead” cardboard cutout of Shaquille O’Neal

Pair of cargo shorts stuffed with rare Australian cacti

Pair of underpants made from unrefined hemp

Plastic grocery bag full of Captain Morgan brand rum

One dozen prescriptions filled out under the name “Ethyl Berman”

His cousin

Guinea pig with diabetes

Diabetes itself

The Koran

Handful of peanut butter

Treasure map ending on the Haitian border

Shovel

The Koran again, this time lined with 3 million dollars in Francs

This disturbing drawing:

                                              

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