Described by one onlooker as an “appalling turn of events,” a backstabbing, kind of attractive but not really brunette named Flavia Pennetta upset Maria Sharapova during an early stage of the US Open on Friday afternoon. Maria, who was wholly accepted as being the prettiest girl in the tournament, assumed that Flavia was there for the same reason as everybody else– to be her friend. In doing so Maria made the single biggest mistake a female can make, trusting a brunette.
Flavia went about dethroning Maria in typical insidious fashion, setting her up to make her own “unforced” errors, causing her to look inept in front of thousands of onlookers. Toying with her like a puppeteer, the cool and calculated brunette took an early and convincing lead, let Maria fight her pretty blonde self back to a draw in the later stages, then took the final and decisive two sets for herself.
“I don’t know what to say,” said a teary eyed Sharapova, unsure of what to say. “I was supposed to win today.” Pennetta, in contrast with the shattered Sharapova, delivered her post game comments with the detached calm of an assassin. “Her wrists may be smooth and feminine,” she began awkwardly, “but they are weak, which makes for weak backhand, which gives me a way into her soul.”
With the social hierarchy of the tournament turned on to its head, tennis recent-historians are scrambling to provide an explanation for Maria’s fall from grace. Paul Skirtley, author of bestselling books Softcore Hard Court: The Girls Behind the Grunts, and Net Worth, The Disturbing, Untold Story Behind the Tennis Net, postulates that Maria was most likely a victim of her own beauty: “I have now watched and re-watched the match a dozen times, four of which for non-recreational purposes, and I have come to the conclusion that Ms. Pennetta most definitely has a thing for our Maria.”
A closer look at the U.S. Tennis Association’s rankings of both players gives credibility to Mr. Skirtley’s hypothesis. While Maria is given a “bombshell,” a solid 9/10, Flavia is but a mundane 7.5/10, falling into the category of just “slightly arousing.” The pairing of two such players can sometimes provide the less pretty girl with a certain jealous rage that can propel even the most unfortunate of faces to victory.
While it is often the good looks of a blonde such as Sharapova that get them ahead in life, a brunette’s strength is often drawn from an utter lack of remorse and human empathy. When posed with the possibility that her defamation of Sharapova stemmed from some kind of twisted, dark lesbian-lust, Pennetta simply responded “bitch had it coming.”