Rex Ryan Guarantees Preseason Week 4 Victory

Rex Ryan demonstrates how just how high the Jets can soar this preseason-- about 7 feet

Jets’ head coach Rex Ryan has made another brazen declaration that has rocked the sports world at its foundation, guaranteeing that the Jets will win tomorrow night in their final preseason game against the Eagles.

“We’re not making any excuses, and we’re not afraid of greatness,” Ryan stated during a press conference he called in his own garage. “When we win this Thursday that’ll make us 3-1 in the preseason and if you ask me that’s pretty damn good.”

Since arriving in New York, head coach Rex Ryan has made his intentions unabashedly clear– he’s here to win a Super Bowl. While one might assume that this is the goal of every team in the league, that is not entirely the case. The Bengals, for example, are here because they believe they look very good in tiger striped uniforms, while the Raiders are here because Al Davis is making them.

“I don’t give a damn who knows it,” Ryan continued, with the local sports media hanging on his every word, “I don’t give a god damn damn.”

With the expectations set sky high, the Jets, who boast both an offense and a defense, will look to improve on the past two seasons in which they came just short of making their Super Bowl. Their hopes largely fall on the shoulders of 3rd year quarterback Mark Sanchez, who, according to coach Ryan, is “ready to take the next step towards divinity.”

“I’m trying here,” grumbled Sanchez, who we caught up with during his latest “Jets Siberia” camp, a non-mandatory practice led by Sanchez himself during which he and the receivers work on running routes in the rocky, sub-arctic conditions of the Siberian steppe. “It’s fuckin’ hard, alright?”

With Rex stirring the pot, it was not long before the Philadelphia Eagles responded to his [preseason] Week 4 guarantee. “No, we’re gonna win,” retorted obscure second-string linebacker Akeem Jordan. “We are definitely going to win.”

“Yeah we’ll just see about that,” responded Ryan, unaware that everybody had already left the room. “You can bet your ass we will.”

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