On Sunday morning the Carolina Panthers, recently voted the favorite black and teal Carolina-based professional sports team by a local Kindergarten class, woke up expecting to find themselves facing the same challenges as their neighbors following Hurricane Irene– instead they found themselves in sunny Los Angeles, California.
Their houses had been entirely uprooted and haphazardly distributed throughout the Hollywood Hills. Understandably confused, the Panthers tried to recreate the previous night’s events in order to figure out how they woke up 3000 miles away from home.
“Well, I brought my patio furniture inside, secured my windows, locked the doors and went to sleep,” recounts wide receiver Steve Smith. “There’s gotta be something I’m missing…” he added, visibly perplexed.
The organization began to ask around, desperately in search of clues. Combing their new neighborhood for an explanation they left empty handed, except for Jimmy Claussen who got his picture taken with Topher Grace and Cam Newton who met a local entrepreneur and scored an unbelievable deal on used studio equipment.
At a complete loss for answers, and unable to comprehend why flights back to North Carolina are booked for the next 3 years, head coach Ron Rivera turned to the NFL for assistance. “Hurricane Irene did it,” Roger Goodell stated with an off-putting amount of confidence. “Hurricane Irene blew the Carolina Panthers to Los Angeles.”
According to NFL’s official meteorologist, Roger Goodell’s cousin, “North Carolina experienced sustained winds of up to 110 MPH on Saturday night, which are more than strong enough to relocate a franchise that had only 2 wins in the 2010 season.”
This explanation received mixed reactions from the players and coaches. “The storm blew our entire team and staff across the country, I get that, it happens” mused lineback Jon Beason, “but what I don’t understand is who sewed these LA emblems on to our uniforms?
The Los Angeles Panthers will assume the Raiders’ position in the AFC West, who reportedly fell into the Earth’s mantle following a recent earthquake.