In an exciting twist of events boxer Manny Pacquiao has called out the entire population of Australia, daring them to step into the ring with him with the Welterweight Championship on the line. This brazen move, completely unprecedented in the world of boxing, should not come as a surprise as Pacquiao, a.k.a. Pacman the Destroyer, can no longer find any one grown man willing to fight him.
Emmanuel Dapidran Pacquiao, born in Kibawe, Philippines, is an eight-division world champion and the first boxer in history to win ten world titles in eight different weight divisions. He has been named “Fighter of the Decade” by the Boxing Writers Association of America, was awarded a plaque after punching someone so hard they turned Chinese, and just recently made Evander Holyfield wear a Little Bo Peep outfit to a family function because it was funny to him. With Floyd Mayweather no longer responding to his texts, Pacquiao has been forced to look elsewhere for competition.
The idea to challenge an entire population, he says, came to him during a routine training session. Pacquiao was in the forest punching trees when he realized that if all these trees were living, breathing people, he may be forced to break a sweat. The idea picked up steam when he shared it with his trainer, Freddy Roach. “Frankly, I got a murderous boner,” said Roach when interviewed. “The novelty, the intrigue, the battered Australians,” he continued, “it was enough to launch anybody into a Cocaine September.”
The brazen challenge put forth to the Australians has, as expected, roused a variety of responses from those Down Under, from “Auh!” to “olright!” to “wot did ‘e say!?” The Aussies have yet to explicitly accept Pacquiao’s invitation but there is no mistaking the fact that they have begun training. The number of bar fights in Sydney and Melbourne have skyrocketed, nobody is wearing sunscreen anymore, and all of the country’s jeans have been converted to jean-shorts for added flexibility.
With the prospect of a fight-for-the-ages on the horizon Pacquiao has upped his already-menacing-training-regimen, beginning with the newest coach in his inner circle, a hummingbird. With the hummingbird on his side Pacman has been caught on camera waving his arms at a rate too quick for the human eye to detect. In addition he has adjusted to fighting redwood forests, chewing horse meat instead of Trident, and having sex with men.
As the fight seems more and more certain the World Boxing Association is scrambling to make the necessary logistical adjustments. The boxing ring, which usually measures 25 by 25 feet, will be expanded to Lambeau Field by Old Trafford. The fight would be broadcasted in both stunning HD and 3-D. Viewers have been warned that such vivid exposure to the faces of those who square off with Pacquiao produces a feeling similar to trying to get popcorn out of The Elephant Man’s teeth with your own finger.
The general public remains unphased as the prospect of seeing Pacman put an end to the world’s dumbest continent is becoming so tangible I can almost fucking taste it. It is projected that the fight would bring in enough revenue to restore the Roman empire to it’s former grandeur, keep Brett Favre in retirement, and replace that leaky shower head (finally). The estimated weigh-in is 147 to 89,713,449. I am suddenly aware that after writing this, I too have a murderous boner, however I, like the rest of the world, must wait until the official announcement.