With the start of football season looming ever closer, NFL owners, eager to get a deal done, have graciously given in to their own demands. After a 31-0 vote in favor of the new collective bargaining agreement, the owners’ support of their own ideas could be described as both sincere and spirited. Immediately upon approving the CBA in near-unanimous fashion* the owners erupted into pure jubilation, cheering on their efforts with high fives, back slaps, and cake for lunch.
“It’s been a long haul,” said Jets’ owners Woody Johnson amidst a festive backdrop , “but we bunkered down, got our ideas on paper, and liked them. Now it’s time for the players to do their part and give this country what it wants,” he added.
The newly ratified CBA was then delivered to head of the NFL Players Union DeMaurice Smith in a package decorated with cherry blossoms and some stickers Cowboys’ owner Jerry Jones thought were really neat. Initially thrilled to be that much closer to an agreement, Smith tore open the package, took one glance at the terms, and shouted “motherfucker!”
In addition to adhering to almost none of the previously agreed upon revenue splits, the contract also smelled slightly like cinammon.
Smith immediately E-mailed the player reps to say “there is no agreement.” The reps then texted their teammates, which led the players to begin yelling nonsensically on Twitter. Within an hour of Smith’s E-mail, #man,fuckthisbullshit and #PeeOnGoodell were trending (James Harrison alone has 14 Twitter handles that we know about).
Back in the owners’ camp, where the billionaires were just finishing up their cake and exchanging contact information in hopes of staying in touch during the school year, one golden haired boy looked especially downtrodden. “I was kind of hoping they wouldn’t read it,” said Roger Goodell sulkily. “Why won’t they just grow up and sign the damn thing!” he exclaimed, stamping his feet.
It seems we still have a bit to go before we can truly get excited about football season.
*Note: Abstaining from the vote, Raiders’ owner Al Davis is holding out for his own terms, which include the official rights to the emotion “grief,” the ability to shoot lighting out of his finger tips, and the go-ahead to pillage and plunder “those dandies in San Francisco.”