1. Philadelphia Phillies – They have fucking Roy Halladay and Cliff Lee.
2. Boston Red Sox Their lineup is the baseball equivalent of this.
3. New York Yankees After losing Phil Hughes to an injury known as “Bad Pitch,” Bartolo Colon stepped up and proved that enough fat can actually insulate you from time itself. Let’s see if the momentum from Jeter’s 3000th and Michael Kay’s new catchphrase “put that one on the left side” can lead to a strong second half.
4. San Francisco Giants Really hoping “Offense” isn’t included in the 2011 postseason as well.
5. Texas Rangers Same as above, but the opposite.
6. Atlanta Braves Will a season’s worth of valiantly defying the Phillies take its toll?
7. Milwaukee Brewers Chances they never have to play away from home in the playoffs? 0%. Chances Bernie the Brewer has been drunk this whole time? 95%
8. Tampa Bay Rays Yankee and Red Sox fans may not look this far down the standings, but there they are, like, consistently the third team down.
9. St. Louis Cardinals Embodied by outfielder Rick Ankiel. Do they pitch? They used to. Do they hit? Sometimes.
10. Detroit Tigers Justin Verlander could very well deprive us of a Boston-New York ALCS, therefore he must be destroyed.
11. Cleveland Indians I still don’t believe in these guys one bit, but I think they’re endearing enough for #11.
12. The California Los Angeles Angels that are from LA but are playing in Anaheim Stuck between trying to get the Rally Monkey to retire gracefully and outbidding Pixar for the purchase of the Dodgers, there’s little time for baseball out here.
13. Arizona Diamondbacks Nobody saw them play a game this season so we’re gonna have to trust their self-reported 49 wins.
14. Pittsburgh Pirates Got a shitty NL team? Hire Clint Hurdle!
15. New York Mets They’ve won more games than they’ve lost, which means the team mantra, “serenity now,” is working.
16. Cincinnati Reds First Johnny Cueto topped his previous high of a 105 MPH fastball and had to get his tattoo changed to say “106”. Then his arm detached on an ensuing pitch and he had to get the whole arm changed altogether.
17. Chicago White Sox Seems like the same guys who won it in ’05 are still really trying to win it in ’11. Somebody should tell them it’s over.
18. Toronto Blue Jays Jose Bautista is really, really good, but the Skydome blows and they have no chance in their division = #18.
19. Washington Nationals The lowest ranked team without a losing record, but just wait a couple of seasons, they’ll be the Rays of the NL East. Better not fuck up against the Phillies!
20. Minnesota Twins Disappointing. They have two stars in Mauer and Morneau who can no longer stay healthy.. Even Liriano’s no hitter sucked.
21. Seattle Mariners With two aces in King Felix and Michael Pineda (nickname TBD) they should be much more competitive in the AL West. Unfortunately, the Richie Sexson signing still isn’t working out to this day.
22. Florida Marlins Ever since Josh Johnson got injured everything sucks and is unfair and stupid.
23. Colorado Yankees Who knew an ace pitcher wouldn’t last in Colorado? RIP Good Ubaldo Jimenez, you’re in fine company.
24. Los Angeles Dodgers For Sale
25. San Diego Padres They may be 12 games under .500, but they play better NL baseball than anybody.
26. Oakland Athletics I don’t think anything good for Oakland has taken place in the Oakland Coliseum in 20 years.
27. Chicago Cubs Well at least teammates aren’t punching each other in the dugout so much anymore.
28. Kansas City Royals You might not believe it but they all claim they’re actually having a lot of fun this season.
29. Baltimore Orioles Their season became an official disappointment when Kevin Gregg missed landing that left hook.
30. Houston Astros Tropicana > Minute Maid. Take your time when you make juice, assholes.