Team Owners Unveil Proposal For New MLB Alignment

Amidst the swirl of chatter over the last couple weeks regarding a realignment of Major League Baseball’s current format, owners of 28 of the 30 teams in the Majors have come together to present their own logical, albeit radical proposal.

Their plan places all teams located in either the Western United States, the Great Plains, the North, The South, areas close to a beach, the Mid-Atlantic region, Flushing Queens, and Canada in one division, known as the “Baseball Division.” All the remaining teams would then compose the second division, tentatively titled the “Fuck off, New York and Boston… division.”

This unorthodox, 2-team division would allow Red Sox Nation and Yankee Universe to square off on a near-nightly basis, taking the occasional day off to travel between cities and court reinforcements from the free agent pool. The division would produce 2 playoff teams, the winner of the division and the always unpredictable Wild Card. They would then launch into an epic, best of 37 “World” Series, where the average game is predicted to last 8 heart-stopping hours and new box set DVDs would be released every week, recapping the epic-ness of everybody’s favorite rivalry.

Meanwhile, back in the Baseball Division, the remaining 28 would simply continue playing baseball. In contrast with the Fuck Off, New York and Boston Division, lineups in the Baseball Division would feature just one cleanup hitter, as opposed to seven. The DH rule would be dropped entirely thus leading to the reintroduction of the “Manager” and “Bench Player” positions.

Fans of smaller market teams have instantly embraced this proposal. “Red Sox Nation? Yankees Universe? Shit, I’m just trying to live in Oakland,” lamented some guy I spoke to in Oakland.

“It’s a win-win proposal,” declared the Baltimore Oriole’s leading RBI man who gave me his name but I forgot it. “Each division will be spectacularly competitive, and we’ll stop having to move our things into the visiting team’s clubhouse when David Ortiz tells us to.”

Oddly enough, both the Yankees and Red Sox front offices were available for comment, but seemed completely oblivious to the significance of the proposal, or possibly even the proposal itself. “We’re just going to stay focused on winning the division” stated Yankees GM Brian Cashman, who looked his usual mix of both scared and defiant.

“Did you know you can vote up to 25 times on to see your favorite Yankees in this years All-Star game?” added Michael Kay, who I totally didn’t see sitting there in the back of the room.

Feeling thoroughly creeped out, I left in a hurry. And I think baseball fans should consider this proposal.


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