Absent Again in Fourth, Lebron Admits Addiction to Bounce Pass

Lebron James, conspicuously absent in crunch time of the 2011 Finals, has come out in front of the media and admitted that he suffers from a rare addiction to bounce passes.

The condition, referred to in medical circles as rimaphobia but more commonly known as assistagina, causes the patient to enter a “bounce pass first, chuck up long jumper second” mindset. The onset of assistagina is usually associated with bright lights, loud cheering, and high expectations.

James’ admission comes in the midst of a series of hapless late-game performances where he has deferred the responsibility of scoring time and time again to his teammates. According to a behavioral psychologist who chose to remain anonymous due to the embarrassment of identifying as Heat fan, James has exhibited the classic symptoms characteristic of assistagina for some time now.

Patients will often become very adept at passing, looking to “get teammates involved,” “distribute the rock,” and “ensure Udonis some easy buckets for his mama.” They will begin to avoid eye contact and answer questions in a coy, often dickish manner. Frequently we are misled by the guise that they are putting “winning above all else,” that one can actually bounce pass their way to an NBA championship. Conversely, this platitude can actually expose the patient when they are in fact, losing, as has happened with James.

As is the case with all addictions, admitting that one has a problem is the first step to recovery, and fortunately for James the second step is also the final step. Unfortunately for James, however, the second step involves two straight games of manning the fuck up.


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