… now that I’ve got your attention, here’s what the 30 major league teams had to say about the upcoming baseball season:
Red Sox: Our lineup has already scared Pettitte into retirement. Score one for Boston.
Yankees: Well, we messed up that offseason. Did we mention we have a prospect named Jesus?
Rays: Manny? Damon? Introducing the Tampa Bay Old Sox!
Orioles: Man, fuck this division. Let’s move to Indianapolis.
Twins: Preseason victory– we don’t play in the Metrodome anymore.
White Sox: This guy Ozzie Guillen is kind of a jackass.
Tigers: That Ozzie Guillen guy is a jackass.
Indians: Boy we really should have closed out the Red Sox back in ’07 up 3-1 in the ALCS. Oops. Hi Cliff, hi CC! Hope all is well!
Royals: In all seriousness, we’re pretty sure we’re a AAA team with a stupendous strength of schedule.
Rangers: Suck it, Cowboys.
Mariners: King Felix will have a sub 2.00 ERA, Ichiro will bat .360, and our ballpark will feature 40 different sushi rolls. Who said success has to be measured by wins?
Athletics: Gearing up to be the AL East’s farm team come August. We will not disappoint!
Angels: We’ve practiced 100 different risk-free ways to celebrate a home run. Watch out, League.
Braves: Jesus Christ…
Marlins: Hey cool our jerseys double as a white flag.
Mets: We absolutely 100% give up
Nationals: Everybody, to the bunkers! Protect the prospects!
Phillies: Ahhhahaha PHUCK YOU ALL.
Cardinals: We’re going to resign Albert, and then we’re gonna be pretty good! You just watch. Pretty good. Mark our words.
Cubs: This is our year! Go Cubbies!
Brewers: Did you see our little blockbuster trade with Kansas? wasn’t it cute??
Reds: We don’t know if anybody realizes how profoundly hard we tried last season. Now we’re just exhausted.
Pirates: Yarrrrrrrrr we’re gonna entertain ourselves this season by acting like real pirates, yarrrrrrrrgh.
Astros: We may not be entirely sure who is on our roster, but we are sure that some of us did go sledding on the center field hill during the freak snowstorm.
Rockies: It’s really too bad we can’t get to Rocktober without having a Rockapril through Rocktember.
Padres: Yeah we’re also fairly certain the Phillies are gonna win it.
D’Backs: We’ve decided on a uniform color. It’s purple-green-red-blackngold!
Dodgers: Our response to our biggest rival winning the World Series? Laying on the horn, changing lanes, then laying on the horn again.
Giants: Listen we are thrilled about the way things turned out last year we’re actually just gonna lay low this season.
edit: I forgot the Jays. There, this will serve as their entry.