Tottenham Hotspur will advance to the quarterfinals of the UEFA Champions League after drawing 0-0 with footballing powerhouse, AC Milan. The 2-leg match, touted as “the little team from London” versus “the greasier, more Italian Goliath,” saw 180 plus minutes of foot soccer played across 2 countries, and 1 inexplicable goal.
The second leg of the contest took place at the home of the Spurs in Northern London, where 60,000 fans watched nervously as their heroes attempted to play a very long game of keepaway from heavily favored Milan. They began with a pass to the left fullback, followed by a pass back to the center, who held the ball for a brilliant five seconds before falling to the ground and grabbing a non-descript area of his leg in anguish. The players from Milan watched with reverence as Tottenham used the very craft the Italians invented centuries earlier against them.
The Spurs found themselves in this fortuitous position after the first leg of the match, where the soccer ball deflected off the foot of Peter Crouch who had been swinging his leg back and forth quite recklessly and much closer to the goal post than anybody felt comfortable with. This serendipitous event was put into motion by Aaron Lennon, who began running across the field with a total disregard for all the on-field conversations he was interrupting. He pushed the ball forward violently, causing one defender to fall to the ground and another to attempt to call “timeout” on account of “no fair.” A few heart-stopping seconds later the ball struck Crouch’s foot and rolled into the net behind the keeper.
The “goal,” an ancient term used to describe such an occurrence, is what football historians claim to be the reason Tottenham will advance past AC Milan. Using this “goal” to their advantage, the Spurs entered what is known as “complete lockdown mode” with 82 minutes remaining in the second match. This requires that every player on the team place their big toe on the soccer ball simultaneously and press down really hard, creating an impenetrable shell of footballing genius.
In preparation for the quarterfinals Tottenham have released both Crouch and Lennon for their insensitive actions against Milan.