In the spirit of Key and Peele’s “Football Names” sketch, here are the top 32 football names in the 2015 NFL draft.
Rank – Name – Position – Projected Round – College
32. Jay Ajayi – RB – (2nd) – Boise State
Let’s ease in with the smooth stylings of Jay Ajayi (pronounced “uh-jay-ee”). Try saying this one five times fast. Jay Ajayi Jay Ajayi Jay Ajay Jay Ajayi. Hear that? You’re just a crazy person making sounds now.
31. Brandon Scherff – OT/G – (1st) – Iowa
For offensive linemen, it’s good to have guttural-sounding names. “Scherff” certainly fits the bill. We also would have accepted “Umpfth,” “Grunkpff,” or “Hworbbth!!”
30. Bryce Petty – QB – (3rd-5th unless Buffalo is dumb enough to take him in the 2nd) – Baylor
Shout out to BP for having the whitest name in the entire draft. Spoiler alert: that’s a wrap on the caucasians.
29. Amari Cooper – WR – (1st) – Alabama
After being named Amari Cooper, Amari Cooper was really left with just one big decision in his life — small forward, or wide receiver? As the top WR in this draft, young Amari sure lived up to his name.
28. Alvin “Bud” Dupree – EDGE – (1st) – Kentucky
As if being form-tackled by a man named Alvin wasn’t bad enough, Mr. Dupree somehow earned the nickname “Bud” on his way to becoming one of the nastier defenders in the 2015 draft.
27. Jaelen Strong – WR – (1st) – Arizona State
If a player can retire from football and become a male porn star without having to change their name, it’s probably a good name.
26. Hau’oli Kikaha – EDGE – (10/2nd-4th) – Washington
This guy’s from Hawaii, I bet.
25. Deontay Greenberry – WR – (5th-7th) – Houston
He sounds fast.
24. Javorious Allen – RB – (3rd-4th) – USC
Shades of Javaris Jamar.
23. Ifo Ekpre-Olomu – CB – (2nd-3rd) – Oregon
Sorry, my cat walked across the keyboard.
22. Jesse James – TE – (5th-7th) – Penn State
No, not that Jesse James. But, much like Jaelen Strong, Jesse James could seamlessly transition into porn without having to change his name. He would, however, have to become blonde and also a chick.
21. Cameron Artis-Payne – RB – (4th-6th) – Auburn
Lends itself to the nickname “The Pain Artist.” Make it happen, Cameron.
20. Maxx Williams – TE – (1st-2nd) – Minnesota
Double X’s will automatically vault any player into the first round of this mock. Throw in a 3rd X and he can join Jaelen Strong and Jesse James in their adult movie careers.
19. Anthony Chickillo – DE – (4th-6th) – Miami
This is either the name of a man who kills somebody in a mafia flick or gets killed in a mafia flick.
18. Duke Johnson – RB – (2nd-3rd) – Miami
Excellent name for a mustachio’d African-American cop who doesn’t always play by the rules. Pretty good for a running back, too, but mainly the first thing I said.
17. Za’Darius Smith – DE – (3rd-5th) – Kentucky
I know all names are technically “made up,” but come on.
16. Louis Trinca-Pasat – DT – (4th-6th) – Iowa
This random collection of sounds is brought to by Mr. Trinca and Mrs. Pasat, who each felt such a strong connection to their original surnames, they decided to keep them both and make life difficult for their son, Louis.
15. Ronald Darby – CB – (1st-2nd) Florida State
Having the softest, least-intimidating name in the draft lands Ronald Darby smack-dab in the middle of the first round.
14. Reese Dismukes – C – (3/2nd-4th) – Auburn
It’s good to name offensive linemen after candy. For example, Snickers Washington would make a solid left tackle. Hershey Jones is a monster at right guard. Rolo McElroy sucks but you can’t fault him for his effort.
13. Deshazor Everett – CB – (30/6th-UDFA) – Texas A&M
And now we’re back to making up names.
12. Levi Norwood – WR – (33/7th -UDFA) – Baylor
Well, there you have it. Bow down, Jaelen Strong, Jesse James, and Maxxx Williams. Levi Norwood could be the central character in a multi-ethnic foursome without breaking a sweat. He might even fight some crime afterwards.
11. Leterrius Walton – DT – (29/6th-7th) – Central Michigan
I feel like this name would be perfect if we could slap an “M.D.” on at the end.
10. Deiontrez Mount – EDGE – (7th-UDFA) – Louisville
Deiontrez may end up going undrafted, but his name is absolutely top-10 material. (Spoiler: still not the blackest name in the draft).
9. Obum Gwacham – EDGE – (5th-7th) – Oregon State
This name makes more sense if you picture it being said by Jabba the Hutt.
8. MyCole Pruitt – TE (5th-7th) – Southern Illinois
Let me guess — his father wanted to name him “Cole,” but then his overly-possessive mother stepped in.
7. Hroniss Grasu – C – (2nd-4th) – Oregon
Just rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it?
6. Kwon Alexander – ILB – (3rd-4th) – LSU
Strong, simple, and bad-ass.
5. Tayo Fabuluje – OT – (5th-7th) – TCU
All in favor with replacing the word “fabulous” with “fabuluje” say I!
4. Owamagbe Odighizuwa – EDGE – (2nd-3rd) – UCLA
I bet his grade school teachers just skipped him in roll call.
3. Ali Marpet – OG – (2nd-4th) – Hobart & William Smith
Bro 1: “… whatever, dude. I’ve banged tons of chicks.”
Bro 2: “Oh yeah? Name one.”
Bro 1: “Ali.”
Bro 2: “Bullshit, you’re making that up. Ali who?”
*Bro 1 gets visibly nervous*
Bro 1: “Ali… Marpet?”
2. Norkeithus Otis – EDGE – (4th-6th) – UNC
N-O-R-K-E-I-T-H-U-S. In the same realm as the 2013 #1 overall name, Barkevious Mingo. Just stellar.
1. Jaquiski Tartt – Safety – (2nd-3rd) – Samford
Of all the wonderful things going on here, I think my favorite aspect of our top name in the draft is the 2nd T at the end of Tartt. Because, why the hell not? Now I’ll shut up, and just let the name speak for itself.
Thanks for reading.