Where have I gone?!

Seriously, who’s in charge here?

I have relocated to FanIQ.com indefinitely, where I’m paid in a higher readership, butt slaps (you can do that there,) and pocket change (no complaints!) Here are some of the headlines that have landed over at FanIQ as opposed to WalkOffPunt since the move.

After Celebration Goes Awry, Metta World Peace Fires Five Apology Shots at James Harden

In Need of Third NBA Team, LA Sets Sights on Brooklyn Nets

Faced By Dangers of Football, Goodell Suspends Concussions for First Half of Season

Lebron’s Historic Performance Draws Comparions to Other Times He Performed Historically Before Choking

Seven Provocative Reasons the Celtics Will Beat the Sixers in Game 7

Heat Crowd Silenced After Celtics Go on Devastating 6-1 Run to Begin Half

To continue reading WalkOffPunt, either follow me on Twitter, here it comes….

or check out my page at FanIQ.com, join up, follow me, read me, click the ‘respect’ button, the FanIQ equivalent of ‘liking.’ Please, just several moments of your time is all I ask.

Thanks, and since you’re here, here’s a photo caption.

What the fuck is the Stanley Cup!?


Highlight of Carmelo Anthony Playing Defense Makes Top 10 Plays Ever

In the NBA, a league driven by the talent of it’s superstars, one often feels that they are watching history play out every single night. From witnessing the awe-inspiring game of Michael Jordan, watching yet another 4th quarter taken into the lethal hands of Kobe Bryant, or anticipating a decision from Lebron James and/or Dwight Howard, the NBA provides us with no shortage of treasured memories. This past Wednesday, however, we were give the opportunity to experience first-hand that nothing can come close to the privelege we feel when Carmelo Anthony plays defense.

Says one Sportscenter anchor, “when we put the highlight of Carmelo making a routine block in our Top Ten Plays Ever it wasn’t so much about the block itself, it was more the excitement surrounding the play, the knowledge that he had played some defense before that instant and would continue to play some more afterward. We were humbled by his effort.”

Over the course of Anthony’s career there have certainly been moments in which he played defense. Unfortunately for the fans, those moments have remained just that– fleeting spurts of caring in which Carmelo rose to the occasion and jumped, not to take a shot himself, but to prevent a score. It was during Wednesday night’s game against the Nets in which Carmelo Anthony strung together a collection of those moments and played defense for an extended period of time; a period of time that we have come to know as “The Kindness.”

In light of the added dimension to his Carmelo’s game, the Knicks are looking to find a way to re-structure their superstar’s contract to include Jeremy Lin’s paychecks as a sign of their gratitude.

Sad, Confused Jets Fan Goes on Vacation, Returns Home to Find Tebow in Green

“They did what?!”

“Why?!”

“Well, fuck.”

 

This Jets fan’s reaction to the news of the Tebow signing, directed at loved ones and overheard by countless neighbors, reflects the the general sentiment felt by anybody who wants to both (1) root for the Jets, (2) not hate the Jets with a passion found only in the darkest corners of the heart. This particular fan is finding such a task incredibly difficult, if not impossible.

The fan, who has chosen to remain nameless until “the Jets win the pennant,” was oceans away at the time of the signing, mercifully spared from the shit-media storm that characterized the acquisition of Tim Tebow. While most Jet fans became forced spectators to a week-long nauseating migraine, this fan has received the shock all at once, leaving him without explanation, without hope.

“I thought we just re-committed to Sanchez.”

“I thought we already signed a backup quarterback.”

“I thought we wanted to dial back the drama and put together a coherent gameplan.

“All the other fans make fun of me. I just want to be normal.”

“Fuck.”

For Jet fans, “fuck” is right. The best (the worst) is yet to come.

Or maybe it will all work out.

Following Saints’ Fallout, Several Organizations Admit to Placing Bounties on Favre

While the New Orleans Saints have fallen under a great deal of scrutiny and scorn following the uncovering of a ‘bounty program’ the team has had in place, a more recent report identifying Brett Favre as a high-value target has been received with mixed reaction.

“We can all agree on two things,” said one highly esteemed sports fellow, “that deliberately trying to injure an opposing player is unequivocally abhorrent, and that somebody, somehow had to knock Brett Favre into retirement.”

“This creates a tricky, gray area,” he added.

Though the original bounty put out by the Saints may not have succeeded in taking out that grizzled, gunslinging warrior of a quarterback who refused to quit, the general sentiment behind it could be seen rippling throughout both the league and the general public.

The New York Jets, Aaron Rodgers, Levi’s Real, Comfortable Jeans, the federal government and that local high school whose field he always occupies for personal use during the offseason have all stepped forward and admitting to having a bounty of their own on the head of Brett Favre.

“Did anybody see Favre’s last game in a Jet uniform?” asked Jets general manager, Mike Tannenbaum. “After we were certain he had effectively thrown away our season, we may have taken a different approach to ‘protecting the quarterback,’ along with transferring $75,000 dollars to Jason Tayler of the Miami Dolphins.”

“This is the shit we had to do,” he added.

Brett Favre’s bounty was, in the end, picked up a year after it’s original warrant, by the Chicago Bears.

 

But in all seriousness, this is not news.

NBA All-Star 2012 Photo Caption Contest

Oh, Lebron. Still struggling.

Lebron: Look over there! There’s somebody else letting everybody down while proving he has no understanding of his place in the game!

Kobe: Man what the hell is wrong with you?

Post your captions below! 

Amidst All the Linsanity, Jeremy Lin Totally Forgets to do Calc Homework. Also, J-Lin Haikus!

Jeremy Lin considering the newfound role of basketball in a life full of homework

There are a number of benefits a young man can enjoy from playing basketball. It is good exercise, a chance to network and build friendships, and can do wonders for one’s self-esteem. However, according to one very disappointed mother, all of these benefits become moot when basketball gets in the way of academics, as in the case of Jeremy Lin.

Lin, a 23-year-old Asian-American from Palo Alto, California, has spent nearly all week playing basketball, whipping the entire nation into a frenzy while not once pausing to think about his future. “We are very disappointed in Jeremy,” stated the aforementioned very dissapointed mother. “He goes out, makes all that noise with his friends, and makes all those people go crazy,” she elaborated.

Lin realized that he had forgotten to do his calc homework while riding the M34 crosstown bus home from the game against the Lakers Friday night.  “There’s no excuse. I had all week to do it,” admitted Lin as he dug through his drawstring Nike bag in search of the forgotten assignment. “If I can’t balance academics with extracurriculars then I don’t deserve to wear this Northface shell jacket,” he lamented. Lin, who has calculus first period, will have to wake up “early as balls” in order to tackle the assignent before morning basketball practice.

While the young point guard has reportedly been playing basketball since he could walk, his relationship with homework extends beyond his physical existence on this planet. Lin has a metaphysical GPA of 4.2, which applies not only to this realm, where he attended Harvard University, but also into the eternal all-encompassing nothingness that is time, space, and the collective unconscious of the Universe.

Juggling academics and athletics will become progressively tougher for Lin as, in the past week, his playtime has increased from no playtime to play-all-the-time. And now, to continue the theme of racial insensitivities and misunderstandings, a collection of original Jeremy Lin haikus:

Haiku One

bounce, hesitate, GO

careening betwixt the D

#17

Haiku Two

Lose, Lose, lose lose lose

NY Hope, again, looms false-

A hero descends.

Haiku Three

Don’t let him go right!

U too slow, uninspired,

He Jeremy Lin

Haiku Four

Black Mamba’s Garden,

Strangulates with a wry grin-

Serpent assasLin.

Haiku Five

Invigorated,

Twelve become one all for one,

Melo don’t blow this.

Haiku Six

As if from nowhere

Inspiration knows no race,

Free Taiwan, Free throw.

Want to write a J-Lin haiku too? I don’t blame you! Post it below.   


Super Bowl Photo Funny Caption Contest

This photo is so self-explanatory that a caption would be in bad taste. 

On another note, Tom Brady butt rape. 

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