Highlight of Carmelo Anthony Playing Defense Makes Top 10 Plays Ever

In the NBA, a league driven by the talent of it’s superstars, one often feels that they are watching history play out every single night. From witnessing the awe-inspiring game of Michael Jordan, watching yet another 4th quarter taken into the lethal hands of Kobe Bryant, or anticipating a decision from Lebron James and/or Dwight Howard, the NBA provides us with no shortage of treasured memories. This past Wednesday, however, we were give the opportunity to experience first-hand that nothing can come close to the privelege we feel when Carmelo Anthony plays defense.

Says one Sportscenter anchor, “when we put the highlight of Carmelo making a routine block in our Top Ten Plays Ever it wasn’t so much about the block itself, it was more the excitement surrounding the play, the knowledge that he had played some defense before that instant and would continue to play some more afterward. We were humbled by his effort.”

Over the course of Anthony’s career there have certainly been moments in which he played defense. Unfortunately for the fans, those moments have remained just that– fleeting spurts of caring in which Carmelo rose to the occasion and jumped, not to take a shot himself, but to prevent a score. It was during Wednesday night’s game against the Nets in which Carmelo Anthony strung together a collection of those moments and played defense for an extended period of time; a period of time that we have come to know as “The Kindness.”

In light of the added dimension to his Carmelo’s game, the Knicks are looking to find a way to re-structure their superstar’s contract to include Jeremy Lin’s paychecks as a sign of their gratitude.

Sad, Confused Jets Fan Goes on Vacation, Returns Home to Find Tebow in Green

“They did what?!”

“Why?!”

“Well, fuck.”

 

This Jets fan’s reaction to the news of the Tebow signing, directed at loved ones and overheard by countless neighbors, reflects the the general sentiment felt by anybody who wants to both (1) root for the Jets, (2) not hate the Jets with a passion found only in the darkest corners of the heart. This particular fan is finding such a task incredibly difficult, if not impossible.

The fan, who has chosen to remain nameless until “the Jets win the pennant,” was oceans away at the time of the signing, mercifully spared from the shit-media storm that characterized the acquisition of Tim Tebow. While most Jet fans became forced spectators to a week-long nauseating migraine, this fan has received the shock all at once, leaving him without explanation, without hope.

“I thought we just re-committed to Sanchez.”

“I thought we already signed a backup quarterback.”

“I thought we wanted to dial back the drama and put together a coherent gameplan.

“All the other fans make fun of me. I just want to be normal.”

“Fuck.”

For Jet fans, “fuck” is right. The best (the worst) is yet to come.

Or maybe it will all work out.

Following Saints’ Fallout, Several Organizations Admit to Placing Bounties on Favre

While the New Orleans Saints have fallen under a great deal of scrutiny and scorn following the uncovering of a ’bounty program’ the team has had in place, a more recent report identifying Brett Favre as a high-value target has been received with mixed reaction.

“We can all agree on two things,” said one highly esteemed sports fellow, “that deliberately trying to injure an opposing player is unequivocally abhorrent, and that somebody, somehow had to knock Brett Favre into retirement.”

“This creates a tricky, gray area,” he added.

Though the original bounty put out by the Saints may not have succeeded in taking out that grizzled, gunslinging warrior of a quarterback who refused to quit, the general sentiment behind it could be seen rippling throughout both the league and the general public.

The New York Jets, Aaron Rodgers, Levi’s Real, Comfortable Jeans, the federal government and that local high school whose field he always occupies for personal use during the offseason have all stepped forward and admitting to having a bounty of their own on the head of Brett Favre.

“Did anybody see Favre’s last game in a Jet uniform?” asked Jets general manager, Mike Tannenbaum. “After we were certain he had effectively thrown away our season, we may have taken a different approach to ‘protecting the quarterback,’ along with transferring $75,000 dollars to Jason Tayler of the Miami Dolphins.”

“This is the shit we had to do,” he added.

Brett Favre’s bounty was, in the end, picked up a year after it’s original warrant, by the Chicago Bears.

 

But in all seriousness, this is not news.

NBA All-Star 2012 Photo Caption Contest

Oh, Lebron. Still struggling.

Lebron: Look over there! There’s somebody else letting everybody down while proving he has no understanding of his place in the game!

Kobe: Man what the hell is wrong with you?

Post your captions below! 

Amidst All the Linsanity, Jeremy Lin Totally Forgets to do Calc Homework. Also, J-Lin Haikus!

Jeremy Lin considering the newfound role of basketball in a life full of homework

There are a number of benefits a young man can enjoy from playing basketball. It is good exercise, a chance to network and build friendships, and can do wonders for one’s self-esteem. However, according to one very disappointed mother, all of these benefits become moot when basketball gets in the way of academics, as in the case of Jeremy Lin.

Lin, a 23-year-old Asian-American from Palo Alto, California, has spent nearly all week playing basketball, whipping the entire nation into a frenzy while not once pausing to think about his future. “We are very disappointed in Jeremy,” stated the aforementioned very dissapointed mother. “He goes out, makes all that noise with his friends, and makes all those people go crazy,” she elaborated.

Lin realized that he had forgotten to do his calc homework while riding the M34 crosstown bus home from the game against the Lakers Friday night.  ”There’s no excuse. I had all week to do it,” admitted Lin as he dug through his drawstring Nike bag in search of the forgotten assignment. “If I can’t balance academics with extracurriculars then I don’t deserve to wear this Northface shell jacket,” he lamented. Lin, who has calculus first period, will have to wake up “early as balls” in order to tackle the assignent before morning basketball practice.

While the young point guard has reportedly been playing basketball since he could walk, his relationship with homework extends beyond his physical existence on this planet. Lin has a metaphysical GPA of 4.2, which applies not only to this realm, where he attended Harvard University, but also into the eternal all-encompassing nothingness that is time, space, and the collective unconscious of the Universe.

Juggling academics and athletics will become progressively tougher for Lin as, in the past week, his playtime has increased from no playtime to play-all-the-time. And now, to continue the theme of racial insensitivities and misunderstandings, a collection of original Jeremy Lin haikus:

Haiku One

bounce, hesitate, GO

careening betwixt the D

#17

Haiku Two

Lose, Lose, lose lose lose

NY Hope, again, looms false-

A hero descends.

Haiku Three

Don’t let him go right!

U too slow, uninspired,

He Jeremy Lin

Haiku Four

Black Mamba’s Garden,

Strangulates with a wry grin-

Serpent assasLin.

Haiku Five

Invigorated,

Twelve become one all for one,

Melo don’t blow this.

Haiku Six

As if from nowhere

Inspiration knows no race,

Free Taiwan, Free throw.

Want to write a J-Lin haiku too? I don’t blame you! Post it below.   


Super Bowl Photo Funny Caption Contest

This photo is so self-explanatory that a caption would be in bad taste. 

On another note, Tom Brady butt rape. 

Bill Belichick’s Scouting Report: Tom Coughlin

Entire Green Bay Packers Roster Focused on Sunday’s Pro Bowl

Aaron Rodgers, showing us his focused face.

As the saying goes, ‘you can’t win ‘em all,’ and in pro football this rings especially true. When the good teams lose, they learn from the game film, move on, and win the big one when it counts. After a 15-1 regular season, the defending champion Green Bay Packers entered the playoffs with the highest of hopes only to lose, handily, at Lambeau Field to the 9-7 Giants. But like a true champion, the Packers have emerged from this heavy cloud of disappointment with a newfound focus on the challenge that lies ahead.

“We’ve got to just dust ourselves off and come out strong this Sunday in the Pro Bowl,” said NFC starting QB, Aaron Rodgers, who will have the pleasure of receiving snaps from Green Bay center Scott Wells. “We played the worst game of our season a few weeks ago and it proved costly, but we are determined to not disappoint in Honolulu, discount doublecheck,” he added with confidence.

With the entire country watching (for no more than 3 minutes after stumbling across the game while flipping through channels,) the Packers, who can boast the most players in the Pro Bowl and the least in the Superbowl (tied with 30 other teams,) have the opportunity to put all of their focus on this one game and turn their season from a bitter disappointment to a roaring success.

“With the likes of Ben Roethlisberger, Arian Foster and A.J. Green lining up against you, it’s like fifty playoffs games all rolled into one,” observed starting linebacker Clay Matthews, “which is why Charles [Woodson], B.J [Raji] and I have been poring over this new defensive system to make sure we are one-hundred-percent prepared for anything our opponents have to throw at us.”

“The new defensive system just tells us to play defense,” noted Raji, who has been working tirelessly to get up the hill leading to the Aloha Stadium for the game. And play defense they will, for losing this time around simply is not an option according to veteran safety Charles Woodson.

“We can’t be fooled by the lack of enthusiasm, the strange way the sunlight plays on the field, or the fact that everybody is running around at half-speed and telling racist jokes in the huddle,” commented Woodson, “this game is all we’ve got, and we’re gonna get it.”

“Do we get like, a trophy if we win, or something? Maybe a commemorative t-shirt?” he added.

The Pro Bowl will be played at something weird o’clock, (5 P.M? 11:45 AM?) on a channel you will inevitably stumble across at some point during your day before chuckling at the idea of watching the pro-bowl and continuing on with your life. The winner of the game will in fact receive a $25 gift certificate from Modell’s Sporting Goods.

6-Year-Old Ravens Fan No Longer Eager to Live Life, Blames Billy Cundiff

This Sunday we all bore witness to the true fragility of a season, and more so the dreams of all those who invest themselves in a football team. By missing a field goal that experts have deemed both “makeable” and “really fucking makeable” the Ravens’ Superbowl berth was ripped from their hands, ending their season in one bewildering instant. While moments in sports such as this one make us feel for the players on the field who have worked tirelessly towards unforeseen heartbreak, or the average fan who must wake up for work the next day still stinging from the loss, as is always the case, the ones affected most are the children. In this case, it is six-year-Old Ritchie Becque of Towson, Maryland, whose passion for life was irrevocably swept away with the errant kick of Billy Cundiff.

Cundiff, thinking about how he let the children down

Since the Ravens’ loss on Sunday, little Ritchie has led a life devoid of any semblance of happiness. His previous six years on Earth, he recalls, were very much full of the joy and blissfully naive aspirations characteristic of a child. Before Sunday, Ritchie would tell you that his favorite food was ice cream and french fries, that he couldn’t decide, that once he dipped a french fry in his ice cream and decided that, though a tasty and delightful novelty, both were perfect on their own and that knowledge itself made him happy. He would tell you that once he, his mom and his dad drove down to Six Flags in Virginia , that it was the greatest day ever, and that the only thing that topped the log flume was staying in a hotel later that night. Coupled with the fact that his hometown Ravens had won the AFC North and were now playing for a Superbowl berth, it didn’t seem life could get any better for little Ritchie– that is, until, his father told him they were taking a “father-son trip to Foxboro to see his hero, Billy “The Kicker” Cundiff, in live action.”

Dick was just six and a quarter years old the day he saw Cundiff miss the chip-shot that ended the Ravens’ season. Though he is just six and a quarter and two days now, it seems he has aged a thousand lifetimes.

“Yeah I was happy on the drive up to Foxboro,” tells little Ritchie, who now prefers to go by “big Dick,” in an exclusive interview. “But I didn’t even know what ‘happy’ was then. How could I know something that doesn’t truly exist?”

Understandably alarmed, Dick’s parents sought medical attention for their son, who in the day following the loss set his once beloved stuffed animals ablaze and began smoking, on average, two packs of cigarettes a day. Doctors told them that it was too late to do anything for their son, that he wasn’t in imminent danger and they were calling after office hours. However, Mr. and Mrs. Becque did not need the medical world to tell them that their son was suffering from a hardened soul.

Little Ritchie, 6 years old, a mere day following the heartbreaking loss

“I was a kid then,” recounts big Dick, looking back on the time when the Ravens held Tom Brady to his worst QB Rating in years, the team was poised to clinch a Superbowl birth and posters of Billy Cundiff lined his bedroom walls. “But I ain’t a kid no more. To tell you the truth, I don’t know what I am now. I left it all in Foxboro that day, and I don’t think I’m never gonna get it back,” he confessed while taking another drag from his unfiltered cigarette.

Big Dick now resides in New Mexico with his girlfriend of six hours, is in the process of publishing a tell-all autobiography entitled “No Hope” and often falls asleep on a couch that is a mere ten feet from his bed.

 

 

 

NBA Caption Contest: LeBron and the Heat vs Kobe and the Lakers

Some say the difference between LeBron and Kobe is their passion for the game.

post your captions below! 

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